Posts Tagged ‘Mental health’

My son moved out the end of June.

I would have loved for it to be a jovial send off but it was amidst confrontation, hours of yelling, and the fallout was near disaster for us financially. In a fit of anger and frustration late one afternoon my son began verbally attacking his stepfather ending with my getting between them while son packed his belongings and asked me to take him to the train.

We sat there in my car once at the station, my mind racing as fast as his angry words were spewing from his mouth. I don’t condone such behavior but we had long past gotten to this point in his recovery and claiming his life back had been long overdue. Things at home had gotten so bad my husband and myself were being affected physically from the stress. Son had no friends here and now sober, had none in the city he was returning to. It made sense for him to “go home” because his father, grandparents, a brother and extended family were in the area though not in contact. He knew the area well.

The problem with him jumping on a train impulsively was he had nowhere to stay so I gave him what funds I could to ride the train back and get a motel room. It wasn’t my rewarding bad behavior. It was my trying to keep him from going back to the city homeless shelter full of reasons for him to start using again he came from. The train pulled up shortly after we got there, I handed him money and he was gone after a quick hug and we said “I love you.” I sat there watching the train leave trying to take in all of what had just happened. Wanting my life back, son being sober four years, I should have been happy but I wasn’t. I was scared to death as I drove home alone to my husband to begin our life again if possible.

The next few weeks were financial fallout. The hotel he was staying in wasn’t a good one but it wasn’t cheap. I drove the hour north a few times picking son up and we would look for apartments for him all the while he was looking for work. I was a helicopter mom during that time making sure he had what he needed to stay on track. His motel stay became two weeks, then three  and they charged our card nightly instead of weekly refusing to refund any of it with my calling their head office daily to fix the mistake, good old Motel 6.

Job offers came soon after he arrived back in the area, not soon enough to help pay housing but he is now employed full time and renting a room in a multi tenant apartment. Not ideal but he’s got a start again, it’s up to him to choose from there. His mental health and Hepatitis C still need to be addressed but it’s a new beginning.

It feels like we have been in Noah’s Ark in a raging sea of drug addiction for years.

 

Advertisements

20140222-015704.jpg

Often times those ill in our life directly and indirectly demand so much attention we realize years later and ask ourselves “Why can’t I remember his first baseball game?” Or a daughter’s dance recital? Guilt rushes in as I get older because I have two other grown children I don’t see alot and I’m having trouble remembering icon events in their child lives. My mentally ill adult son as a mentally ill child demanded much of my 14 year single mother time in home and out. My other two unfairly were off to the sideline of forever ongoing crisis that’s their brother.

I miss my other two children alot. The idea as they got older was I returned here from the south to get to know them again. I can’t get their childhood back but I have time now. I thought I did. By nature I’m a solitary person so I have few friends, none close. Even if I did our situation would scare them off.

I’ve tried social media to reach out to people and groups about addiction but discovered over the years you can either contact other’s online or off. Chances are if you talk at length online you won’t hear anything from them offline except “Facebook me.” I gave up on that.

I haven’t seen my oldest son whom I talk to the most on the phone in two years. The last time he came down was Christmas 2012 which ended in screaming & shouting initiated by addict-son. My oldest son had rode the train here and was met by a wall of anger and insults from his brother who in our small apartment had heard conversation between us in an adjoining room about nothing in particular.

My son never came down again he was so angry and shocked by his brother’s attack, as he should be. I have a daughter also we haven’t seen in years who has her own daughter with another on the way. The idea of putting son and what little he has “out on the sidewalk” is easy to say but no doubt will draw attention and more damage from his temper not to mention he will be back where he nearly died with addiction. Help saving son has made us his physical and emotional hostages. This has gone way too far yet we don’t know what to do without retaliation.

20140109-031503.jpg

It’s winter doldrum time. My 28 year old son has been sober now awhile but thats all. He eats, sleeps, stays in his room 24-7 coming out only when we go to bed. He’s depressed and all I can do is suggest to him what to do.

He’s filled the hole in himself drugs no longer fill with distorted thoughts and negativity. All reason has gone out the window. In the meantime we had to fly home to husband’s country when he lost a parent. I have a depressed husband and son now under one roof and they hate each other.

Not a great update. Son has no income and no car and his 2nd try at disability was rejected. His HepC isn’t active now but his negativity is just as bad.

Getting clean is only 1/3 of the battle. Now somehow he needs to pick himself up and get participating in life before his stepfather throws him out.

The extreme cold dark winter weather isn’t helping. Son is on no medications by choice, good meds included. I don’t know what happens with his HepC because he isn’t seeing doctors of any kind.

To you people considering having children, that they will grow up and you’ll get some part of an adult life back, think long and hard. I’m nearly 52 with my own plans that haven’t been realized and Now I feel overwhelmed and trapped.

This is the year my husband and I are supposed to move overseas as in our plans for retirement. I don’t know how that can happen if son doesn’t help himself! Since returning from abroad 2 months ago we laid down rules and informed my son we will be leaving come June. It’s so frustrating!

image

Christmas 2012 is days away. Much has changed since the last post. First off, son is alive. Secondly, son is sober and his liver seems to be trying to recover itself. When he was hospitalized the doctor indicated this could happen in a best case scenario. It seems luck is on son’s side. He is still thin & pale. He still goes out rarely. As a matter of fact it’s his mental state that is now the battle in the fore front.

We have relocated. The living space we were in was stressful because it was very small. An opportunity arose for us to move into a larger affordable dwelling and we took it gratefully. The greater problem, nothing to do with son, is income. Shortly after moving my husband’s employer passed out pay cuts at the worst possible time, days before Christmas and at a time our rent payment has increased by one hundred dollars a month.  For the moment the focus is on our living situation with son now somewhat stable medically. Since the last post he has seen more than one doctor but had no luck getting one to prescribe medications without wanting to perform a liver biopsy which son is against.

This storm has passed for now and tempers are winding down. Because of son’s illness he rarely goes outside the home. The next appointment I have with the clinic I will not bring home anything son is wanting to use. It’s a fact the last few days he has been sober, though not happily so. Unhappy and sober is better than nothing. Each day is a battle against not one but many monsters inside my son. Once addiction takes hold as so his last 9 years it’s nearly impossible to just stop, especially when the person has a major mental illness. I’m no doctor, nurse or anything of the sort but it’s all we have at this moment. If my child is to die he will die with family and not on the street.

 

 

It’s all spun out of control. Son’s addiction has turned the home upside down and our life to hell but I have myself to blame. He stopped seeing his medical doctor because the doctor wants him to see a mental health doctor. The monthly temporary state money he has started using to fund his habit of marijuana to take his nausea away and stop vomiting just to keep down nourishment. I don’t want to give up on him, if I do he has nobody.

I’m fighting my own mortal battle now along with his.

It’s an uphill battle. Not long after my last post my med’s went missing again. Son’s doctor isn’t helping by prescribing small amounts of Oxy’s for Kidney stone pain. The 1st scrip was 30 5m pills and son used them in 2 days. Days later the doc gave him 40 more of the same strength which were also gone in 2 days. When he is out of drugs he also gets crazy irrational and won’t take his mental health med’s so we all suffer his fury.

As of this morning I am stumped what to do but secretly I am glad he has nothing left to abuse his body with. Today marks day 3 of not having to run to the local emergency room for either his swollen liver or more medication. The drug addict son has been screaming he wants to go back where he came from which of course was a horrible place yet easy access to drugs. His liver levels are still elevated but better the doc told us. His next visit to the doc will not be until February, not knowing the area or anyone down here I am sure he will do and say anything to get BACK to where he came which is out of state, but I can be just as nasty ass as he can in return and once again he is now taking a med to suffer less in cravings.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

3 days ago I rented a car and made the drive out of state to retrieve my son and brought him home. I have no expectations and though advice given to us said to leave him to his own devices, my maternal instinct overtook my reason. I couldn’t leave him to die so ill. The scene I arrived on was absolute squalor, darkness and amongst the trash and garbage piled high wall to wall in the rented room was a shadow of an unshaved, unkept 25 year old man child. Fighting back tears I remained tight lipped and matter of fact and collected my son and very few of his left possessions. The building wreaked of sweat, human sewerage, rotted garbage and everywhere there was old drug paraphernalia in and outside son’s room. Packing his belongings to leave was fast and efficient, within 2 hours with his help the rental car was loaded up and with a few interruptions from the derelict inhabitants yelling at me  we left for good. In my head we were racing away from son’s previous 9 years of hell to mine & husbands home out of state and into the unknown. No it wasn’t the best answer and my husband, his step dad and I have spent the last week arguing about my having son home. The last time he lived with us he was 18,  when he had in a drug withdrawal rage welded a baseball bat in the air at his stepfather which landed son, rightly so, in jail for 30 days. I put him there.

Prior to now I made some phone calls to find what help and support son could get just over the border where his state medical care would be paid. Here I found a detox facility that only offered a 5 day in house program with aftercare support, in the same hospital is a medical clinic and mental health, both very limited. All of these are pretty much useless because of the short length of services. I asked why such short time spans and was answered with the explanation that it was state and federal government budget cuts. If we want any treatment elsewhere in my home state I need to apply son for medicaid right away and wait weeks for his approval letter. The difficult part once approved is a large majority of providers will not accept individuals with such insurance. I spoke with son’s former doctor who had treated him before kicking him aside when the state stopped payments to clarify his medical condition. I was told son is suffering from Severe Hepatitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and also Epstein-Barr virus. Not adding his severe mental health issues, I feel overwhelmed.

He has been awake 2 hours, had too much of his Oxycodone and is asking to go to the hospital E.R., a favorite fast fix for him to get valium when he runs out of what his doctor gives him. My medications are all hidden and I am still calling rehabs to try to find inpatient help to no avail. I even wrote twice the last 12 months to “Intervention.”

For a moment he is safe, Merry Christmas.

 

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone