Posts Tagged ‘Mental disorder’

This storm has passed for now and tempers are winding down. Because of son’s illness he rarely goes outside the home. The next appointment I have with the clinic I will not bring home anything son is wanting to use. It’s a fact the last few days he has been sober, though not happily so. Unhappy and sober is better than nothing. Each day is a battle against not one but many monsters inside my son. Once addiction takes hold as so his last 9 years it’s nearly impossible to just stop, especially when the person has a major mental illness. I’m no doctor, nurse or anything of the sort but it’s all we have at this moment. If my child is to die he will die with family and not on the street.




3 days ago I rented a car and made the drive out of state to retrieve my son and brought him home. I have no expectations and though advice given to us said to leave him to his own devices, my maternal instinct overtook my reason. I couldn’t leave him to die so ill. The scene I arrived on was absolute squalor, darkness and amongst the trash and garbage piled high wall to wall in the rented room was a shadow of an unshaved, unkept 25 year old man child. Fighting back tears I remained tight lipped and matter of fact and collected my son and very few of his left possessions. The building wreaked of sweat, human sewerage, rotted garbage and everywhere there was old drug paraphernalia in and outside son’s room. Packing his belongings to leave was fast and efficient, within 2 hours with his help the rental car was loaded up and with a few interruptions from the derelict inhabitants yelling at me  we left for good. In my head we were racing away from son’s previous 9 years of hell to mine & husbands home out of state and into the unknown. No it wasn’t the best answer and my husband, his step dad and I have spent the last week arguing about my having son home. The last time he lived with us he was 18,  when he had in a drug withdrawal rage welded a baseball bat in the air at his stepfather which landed son, rightly so, in jail for 30 days. I put him there.

Prior to now I made some phone calls to find what help and support son could get just over the border where his state medical care would be paid. Here I found a detox facility that only offered a 5 day in house program with aftercare support, in the same hospital is a medical clinic and mental health, both very limited. All of these are pretty much useless because of the short length of services. I asked why such short time spans and was answered with the explanation that it was state and federal government budget cuts. If we want any treatment elsewhere in my home state I need to apply son for medicaid right away and wait weeks for his approval letter. The difficult part once approved is a large majority of providers will not accept individuals with such insurance. I spoke with son’s former doctor who had treated him before kicking him aside when the state stopped payments to clarify his medical condition. I was told son is suffering from Severe Hepatitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and also Epstein-Barr virus. Not adding his severe mental health issues, I feel overwhelmed.

He has been awake 2 hours, had too much of his Oxycodone and is asking to go to the hospital E.R., a favorite fast fix for him to get valium when he runs out of what his doctor gives him. My medications are all hidden and I am still calling rehabs to try to find inpatient help to no avail. I even wrote twice the last 12 months to “Intervention.”

For a moment he is safe, Merry Christmas.


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Fargo, ND, March 27, 2009 -- The Salvation Arm...

Staying sober is not just in the mind. There are those of you that think so and it is incorrect.  My son is still sober and taking his medication. Each day is not always a good one but with the added oomph from his Celexa he has more ability to cope and think before reacting. I was telling my sister over the phone how profound son’s change has been and she too was taken back. Son still has a very long life ahead being he is just 25.  His illness and a bad divorce from his father took his childhood away at a very young age. By age 10 he was essentially a grownup, or thought he was and a darned angry one.

You see, most in the family, school and anyone else involved blamed the breakdown of mine and his dad’s marriage and resulting emotional fallout. Divorce is never pretty agreed upon or not and nearly always the children no matter how young or old often blame themselves.  My son was only 8 and most certainly a daddy’s boy back then. The breakup exacerbated his symptoms.

Because he has been stuck in one place all of his years and been mentally ill he was still living and feeling as if he was in the moment of the divorce. Abandonment, anger, fear, it’s all been front and center the past 25 years for him.  My not coping back then with the situation overtook me for some time and I would often need a doctor’s care to get through days, that also pulled myself away from son so he was bounced back and forth between his new step family and home with mom and siblings. That is too much for a little boy to carry around inside.

We have been talking daily now, trying to work out finances to help him through his waiting period for a disability (or SSI) hearing with his attorney, his medications refilled and paid for, clean clothes, food and keeping him self sufficient so he can feel more in control which helps his self esteem grow.  He also now needs needs attention given to his A.D.D, his thoughts are all over the board and it bothers him because he often loses important items and is forgetting a great deal.  Because he is poverty line income he is forced to use the city free clinical system which on a good day is a broken one.  He has only been able to see his “psyc worker” once in three weeks to a month. The system is so overtaxed often he must wait a month or the weather will be so bad he cannot physically walk the 8 blocks with his medical problems.

Between he and I and his brother, that’s the jest of support outside of the clinic. I’m still trying to get him a case worker through a local nonprofit there. The best thing that has happened is he hasn’t given up, he has hope AND is still sober (knock wood).

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Mental Hospital. Silence of reason.

Two weeks ago a  friend of my son’s was assaulted near his building and died, he was 24.

It’s now June 2010, my son is still alive but high risk. There is no way to describe what a  mother thinks or feels watching her son self destruct. What shocks me is that nobody cares anywhere. I grew up into my thirties and raised my children in our own home in rural Maine, when I left the state and my home spreading my wings elsewhere with my new husband I realized my children and myself had been living in a bubble. Human‘s “want” to do good and care but in reality it’s only an idea and rarely acted on.

The last 13 hours my 25 year old son has been walking around the main streets of the city he lives in irrational, crying out in anger and physical pain for help and he is avoided at all costs by people and police unless he hurts someone or himself. Someone broke into his rented room at 5 am this morning, assaulted him and robbed him of his prescribed medications he had just picked up 2 days before and the someone was a person off the street he knew.

A call from him then me to the emergency psychiatric services got both of us nowhere. He walked himself to the hospital emergency room 7 blocks away with my egging him on in support the whole trip on mobile phones and that resulted in him being given no help and being told to leave because he is in a combative mood. My son has state run health insurance coverage, it’s a half step up from being piss poor and having none and doctors aren’t required to accept it.

My son has a dual diagnosis, triple if that’s got a name. He is mentally ill, drug addicted and has a newly discovered  life threatening condition with his heart due to the drugs and  lack of caring for his body.  All I can do from my end here one state away is what I am always doing, emailing and phoning trying to get him into treatment anywhere and find funding for it.

I have sent him small amounts of money then stopped, had people bring him canned food and that stopped. On his walk home from the hospital he kicked in a window in a basement. When he’s like this I have to just shut off my phone and I hate it.

I call this stage of my sons tirades the crash & burning and God knows how long it will last.

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