Posts Tagged ‘liver failure’


Today was a good day, Happy Labor Day. Everyday feels like labor lately! So much happens day to day sometimes I have to live in just the moment. It keeps me sane.

I’m not hopeful nor tempting fate so I will just say our son has been chemical free near 4 weeks now. I noticed a shift in him weeks ago when his choice of contacts from his former life in the city changed. All of the sudden he had seperated himself from users of past and began associating with individuals his age who don’t use. I was silently hopeful and remain so. He cannot get treatment while using, maybe he just got tired of getting sick running out of medication. Sick of being sick.

I still hide my medication and keep a count and the last 4 weeks none was missing nor did he ask for any. He hasn’t been spending his disability or leaving home. This big shift is a welcomed change like the early fall chill in the air nights lately. His mental stability has been stable, even moreso this last week. The con is he also has sworn off medical treatment for his Hepatitis C and liver pain.

The most he will allow them to do now is monitor him by blood tests. He has circles under his eyes but the whites aren’t yellow thank God so his liver must be okay, for the moment.



Stalemate. Emt and Police will not and cannot force an individual to a hospital even though they are clearly in a life death crisis. Welcome to today watching son die in a room full.


As parents we want nothing more on earth than our children to grow and have fulfilling lives. As older parents of adult children we should die before our children but obviously it’s not always so. I’m not superwoman, I am not a perfect  mother. My children were brought up by only myself in our own home in a small rural town where everyone knew each other. There was no big drug problems back then nor was there much crime rate nay for normal teenage pranks and growing pains.

Fast forward to recent. I am well aware bringing home a drug addict and choices I have made have not always been right ones. I am an enabler clearly, both son and I know this. Sitting in front of us now is darkness and scary. Son is becoming too ill and knows it’s near time for our ill acted wait and see to end. We will go to the hospital sooner than later, likely by sunrise and he and I will be terrified together. Nobody lives forever, the cat and mouse game of needle in skin you will always lose.

Maybe if there is a God son will be spared one more time.

"Let me die."

Son is in a vicious cycle of nausea and vomiting daily all day as Hepatitis engulfs his body. Denial get’s you dead. In order to forgo his stomach and treat the pain and nausea he must see a doctor but refuses. Arguing, all is pointless with anyone who refuses treatment. Our outdated Constitution gives him the right to do nothing while family can only watch. When an individual becomes unconscious only then can paramedics proceed. Last night was that reality but son never passed out so no assistance was rendered when they arrived. It was a nightmare on camera in our small town once word got out.



This storm has passed for now and tempers are winding down. Because of son’s illness he rarely goes outside the home. The next appointment I have with the clinic I will not bring home anything son is wanting to use. It’s a fact the last few days he has been sober, though not happily so. Unhappy and sober is better than nothing. Each day is a battle against not one but many monsters inside my son. Once addiction takes hold as so his last 9 years it’s nearly impossible to just stop, especially when the person has a major mental illness. I’m no doctor, nurse or anything of the sort but it’s all we have at this moment. If my child is to die he will die with family and not on the street.




Sadly son’s battle rages on in will and deteriorating health. The Hep C strain he has succumbed to is eating his liver alive. The good is the doctor we went to told us son’s strain is curable. The bad is he is very much in denial, real pain and the doctor will not treat anything but his Hep, he flatly told us he does not believe in the other diagnosis which are also causing him great physical pain. Pain meds for an addict is a hard, nearly impossible call. To throw a person into Interfuron chemotherapy with no pain relief is horrible. His 3 bad spine discs alone keep him from sleeping, Interfuron patients have a high mortality rate for suicide this doctor warned us.


3 days ago I rented a car and made the drive out of state to retrieve my son and brought him home. I have no expectations and though advice given to us said to leave him to his own devices, my maternal instinct overtook my reason. I couldn’t leave him to die so ill. The scene I arrived on was absolute squalor, darkness and amongst the trash and garbage piled high wall to wall in the rented room was a shadow of an unshaved, unkept 25 year old man child. Fighting back tears I remained tight lipped and matter of fact and collected my son and very few of his left possessions. The building wreaked of sweat, human sewerage, rotted garbage and everywhere there was old drug paraphernalia in and outside son’s room. Packing his belongings to leave was fast and efficient, within 2 hours with his help the rental car was loaded up and with a few interruptions from the derelict inhabitants yelling at me  we left for good. In my head we were racing away from son’s previous 9 years of hell to mine & husbands home out of state and into the unknown. No it wasn’t the best answer and my husband, his step dad and I have spent the last week arguing about my having son home. The last time he lived with us he was 18,  when he had in a drug withdrawal rage welded a baseball bat in the air at his stepfather which landed son, rightly so, in jail for 30 days. I put him there.

Prior to now I made some phone calls to find what help and support son could get just over the border where his state medical care would be paid. Here I found a detox facility that only offered a 5 day in house program with aftercare support, in the same hospital is a medical clinic and mental health, both very limited. All of these are pretty much useless because of the short length of services. I asked why such short time spans and was answered with the explanation that it was state and federal government budget cuts. If we want any treatment elsewhere in my home state I need to apply son for medicaid right away and wait weeks for his approval letter. The difficult part once approved is a large majority of providers will not accept individuals with such insurance. I spoke with son’s former doctor who had treated him before kicking him aside when the state stopped payments to clarify his medical condition. I was told son is suffering from Severe Hepatitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and also Epstein-Barr virus. Not adding his severe mental health issues, I feel overwhelmed.

He has been awake 2 hours, had too much of his Oxycodone and is asking to go to the hospital E.R., a favorite fast fix for him to get valium when he runs out of what his doctor gives him. My medications are all hidden and I am still calling rehabs to try to find inpatient help to no avail. I even wrote twice the last 12 months to “Intervention.”

For a moment he is safe, Merry Christmas.


– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Smoke Crack & Go to Church
Image by nicholasforneris via Flickr

He wants to do the right thing, quit drugs at age 25 and live his life. Using and selling he always had money, a car, “friends” and a job also. In the last year he has been working on “going straight” he has lost his job, been plagued with a slew of health problems including the sickness a user’s body must go through while cleansing itself and craving at the same time. The people who surrounded him, also heavy users beat, berate, rob and tempt him back into an unhealthy user life. He has been stabbed and had countless run ins with the local law enforcement because he has no money or work so is forced to live in a rooming house brimming with all deviants in the city. Worst is neither he nor I can find him outside support, medical or mental that will help him. Due to the scars of drug use he is turned away or tossed out when they are discovered. In America if you have NO health insurance you get sick and die.

His spirit is close to being broken.  Family want nothing to do with him. The antidepressants he once took he has stopped taking. He resides in his small 1 room in the dark with a television and no friends, no hope, no food or money and in pain. He recently yelled at me over the phone in despair, “this is fucked up mom, I’m better off selling drugs than living like this, nobody will help me!”  I in another state ask him to move home to our tiny 1 bedroom apartment but he resists because he is afraid he will lose all chances of getting as far as he has in applying for temporary disability. He desperately wants to help himself. He is 25 years old, talented at writing poetry and art. He wants to get his GED and go to college. He wants to be happy.

I’m terrified he will be murdered before his liver gives out on him.