Posts Tagged ‘Health’


Whoever says the pain of childbirth ends when the child emerges is so wrong.  A mother carries the pain and more to her grave. My son is free of the drugs now but the pain it numbed is as raw and present as the day I pushed him into the world, both the baby and myself screaming in pain. Hence the blog’s title.

Reaction to a comment left months ago, yes I very much do have a life aside from this blog and the description of it’s contents.  If one hasn’t noticed, I prefer to remain unnamed and keep the “other part of me” elswhere.

Sitting here early morning, a door between myself and my sleeping son. A brief interlude of early morning beauty and the twisting pain of a back spasm that woke me.



As parents we want nothing more on earth than our children to grow and have fulfilling lives. As older parents of adult children we should die before our children but obviously it’s not always so. I’m not superwoman, I am not a perfect  mother. My children were brought up by only myself in our own home in a small rural town where everyone knew each other. There was no big drug problems back then nor was there much crime rate nay for normal teenage pranks and growing pains.

Fast forward to recent. I am well aware bringing home a drug addict and choices I have made have not always been right ones. I am an enabler clearly, both son and I know this. Sitting in front of us now is darkness and scary. Son is becoming too ill and knows it’s near time for our ill acted wait and see to end. We will go to the hospital sooner than later, likely by sunrise and he and I will be terrified together. Nobody lives forever, the cat and mouse game of needle in skin you will always lose.

Maybe if there is a God son will be spared one more time.


The addict in my home struggles daily with me for control, ironicly neither of us has it to win over. Bringing my grown child back into the home was the only way I knew at that moment to save his life. I had faith that “God” and doctors would help with the rest. I don’t believe in God much these days. The situation at home now has taken a twisted turn of events leaving myself to blame.

How to gage the fact a drug addict is in real pain from a diseased liver and other physical ailments is as easy as counting every star in the sky. When a person goes for treatment in any hospital or doctor office he now has a stigma attached to him because of the “Hepatitis” and not one doctor will treat that person for real pain. The result of trying to get well “the right way” is a recovering addict will go back to the street to treat himself and the merry go round continues it’s sick ride. If nothing I just said makes sense it’s okay, it’s how days here are now as the struggle continues.

I wrote to Intervention, the show, and included a video that wasn’t pretty. My day to fill my pain scrips is upcoming in a couple days for my newly diagnosed cancer and I bet I won’t see one tablet.



It’s an uphill battle. Not long after my last post my med’s went missing again. Son’s doctor isn’t helping by prescribing small amounts of Oxy’s for Kidney stone pain. The 1st scrip was 30 5m pills and son used them in 2 days. Days later the doc gave him 40 more of the same strength which were also gone in 2 days. When he is out of drugs he also gets crazy irrational and won’t take his mental health med’s so we all suffer his fury.

As of this morning I am stumped what to do but secretly I am glad he has nothing left to abuse his body with. Today marks day 3 of not having to run to the local emergency room for either his swollen liver or more medication. The drug addict son has been screaming he wants to go back where he came from which of course was a horrible place yet easy access to drugs. His liver levels are still elevated but better the doc told us. His next visit to the doc will not be until February, not knowing the area or anyone down here I am sure he will do and say anything to get BACK to where he came which is out of state, but I can be just as nasty ass as he can in return and once again he is now taking a med to suffer less in cravings.

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Yesterday was our 2nd journey out of state to son’s doctor in the city he moved from. The results are not good, his liver function tests came back showing more depressed, his urine examination showed signs of leucine and tyrosine crystals yet the hospital would not admit him though he could fall into coma at any given moment. THIS is the American dysfunctional healthcare system. I fought back tears and remained calm while calling my local hospital to see if he could be admitted with us bringing his medical records. My hope was short lived.

Given the fact son only has state minor medical help from his home state and we are waiting for approval of him applying here, it’s the only way he can currently get treatment. Yesterday was his 1st day of being sober, aka no needle. Happily so we were able to wean him down to a tiny amount of Oxy’ per day in the last few weeks, his last injection was 15mg two days ago and yesterday morning was an oral 10mg. This morning he will take his last dose of a 10mg Oxy.’ What makes the difference in son’s being weaned thus far off I.V. Oxy’ usage is his determination to not use needles anymore. Physical-wise yes it’s not been easy by far and the last week I have spent many a day holding his head while he vomits and shakes uncontrollably but luckily these episodes were short lived and not daily.

Some days he just feels like hell and I sit with him while he cries. Yesterday was a better day of sorts. The difficult part is with son’s liver failing and the Severe Hepatitis taking it’s toll son is in much pain. His current doctors releases are on the way here which we will sign and fax back so the pain clinic in my state along with a new Hep C and liver doctor can start treatment soon we hope. On the home front all I can do is try to keep him rested and fed. Yesterday he had only managed to put on 2 pounds since Thanksgiving and his liver levels are slightly better but still within the danger zone of Acute Liver Failure.

Adding insult to injury, my husband was laid off last week suddenly after 3 years of working at his company without warning.

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3 days ago I rented a car and made the drive out of state to retrieve my son and brought him home. I have no expectations and though advice given to us said to leave him to his own devices, my maternal instinct overtook my reason. I couldn’t leave him to die so ill. The scene I arrived on was absolute squalor, darkness and amongst the trash and garbage piled high wall to wall in the rented room was a shadow of an unshaved, unkept 25 year old man child. Fighting back tears I remained tight lipped and matter of fact and collected my son and very few of his left possessions. The building wreaked of sweat, human sewerage, rotted garbage and everywhere there was old drug paraphernalia in and outside son’s room. Packing his belongings to leave was fast and efficient, within 2 hours with his help the rental car was loaded up and with a few interruptions from the derelict inhabitants yelling at me  we left for good. In my head we were racing away from son’s previous 9 years of hell to mine & husbands home out of state and into the unknown. No it wasn’t the best answer and my husband, his step dad and I have spent the last week arguing about my having son home. The last time he lived with us he was 18,  when he had in a drug withdrawal rage welded a baseball bat in the air at his stepfather which landed son, rightly so, in jail for 30 days. I put him there.

Prior to now I made some phone calls to find what help and support son could get just over the border where his state medical care would be paid. Here I found a detox facility that only offered a 5 day in house program with aftercare support, in the same hospital is a medical clinic and mental health, both very limited. All of these are pretty much useless because of the short length of services. I asked why such short time spans and was answered with the explanation that it was state and federal government budget cuts. If we want any treatment elsewhere in my home state I need to apply son for medicaid right away and wait weeks for his approval letter. The difficult part once approved is a large majority of providers will not accept individuals with such insurance. I spoke with son’s former doctor who had treated him before kicking him aside when the state stopped payments to clarify his medical condition. I was told son is suffering from Severe Hepatitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and also Epstein-Barr virus. Not adding his severe mental health issues, I feel overwhelmed.

He has been awake 2 hours, had too much of his Oxycodone and is asking to go to the hospital E.R., a favorite fast fix for him to get valium when he runs out of what his doctor gives him. My medications are all hidden and I am still calling rehabs to try to find inpatient help to no avail. I even wrote twice the last 12 months to “Intervention.”

For a moment he is safe, Merry Christmas.


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Smoke Crack & Go to Church
Image by nicholasforneris via Flickr

He wants to do the right thing, quit drugs at age 25 and live his life. Using and selling he always had money, a car, “friends” and a job also. In the last year he has been working on “going straight” he has lost his job, been plagued with a slew of health problems including the sickness a user’s body must go through while cleansing itself and craving at the same time. The people who surrounded him, also heavy users beat, berate, rob and tempt him back into an unhealthy user life. He has been stabbed and had countless run ins with the local law enforcement because he has no money or work so is forced to live in a rooming house brimming with all deviants in the city. Worst is neither he nor I can find him outside support, medical or mental that will help him. Due to the scars of drug use he is turned away or tossed out when they are discovered. In America if you have NO health insurance you get sick and die.

His spirit is close to being broken.  Family want nothing to do with him. The antidepressants he once took he has stopped taking. He resides in his small 1 room in the dark with a television and no friends, no hope, no food or money and in pain. He recently yelled at me over the phone in despair, “this is fucked up mom, I’m better off selling drugs than living like this, nobody will help me!”  I in another state ask him to move home to our tiny 1 bedroom apartment but he resists because he is afraid he will lose all chances of getting as far as he has in applying for temporary disability. He desperately wants to help himself. He is 25 years old, talented at writing poetry and art. He wants to get his GED and go to college. He wants to be happy.

I’m terrified he will be murdered before his liver gives out on him.

Hep C: Get Tested, Get Treated
Image by AJC1 via Flickr

Last week was the hospital ER, this time a blood check. Sever Hepatitis is the recent diagnosis of my son. There is no cure and his liver is only working at 30% capacity when he was hospitalized last week. 25 years old and a failing liver. The clue something was amiss was his daily vomiting, sudden weight loss and severe constant body aches. We had thought it was his kidneys acting up as they have in the past with stones but that was not to be the case.