Posts Tagged ‘Drug addiction’

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I am happy to see 2014 end.

I am also happy to report that my son is well, out on his own still sober and working. Not to say re-entering life for him isn’t a challenge, on the contrary, every day is a fight for life and living it. The biggest challenge is learning to feel everything that was stuffed aside by the drugs so many years but he is managing it, some days one minute at a time. Is it scary hell but it IS possible. My message to you still using and anyone involved is never give up hope, never stop trying. So long as your breathing you have all the chances of getting your life back. I will write more in-depth of an update soon but wanted to offer up this short post as I have had many emails to inquire how son is doing and I welcome anyone to email or comment needing an ear.

My heart goes out to you all.

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Recovery is hell, learning new coping skills with a dual diagnosis is learning to walk all over again.

My son is a strong personality like myself. We are too much alike in many ways which is probably why we argue the way we do. As an adult he and I share a communication neither of us understands, like twins with their own language.

Three days ago he was yelling, lashing out with fists and broke something during our battle of words. I already have holes in my ceiling and a door. Yesterday a more reasonable human, he said “I’m always going to be an addict mom, I have an addictive personality.” I feel his frustration because I don’t know where to go from here either. He says it’s my fault he is here in my home without a job or income and no way to go forward. I told him one more physical outburst I will phone the police. My husband provides him room and board but son thinks he shouldn’t help out financially, wow.

He is still swearing off any medical treatment for his active Hepatitis C. Without marijuana he is nauseous, suffers from insomnia that keeps him awake 3-4 days, and in pain. He gave up on doctor visits when he was offered chemo’ to treat his illness but not pain relief for his other illnesses due to his having been an addict. I don’t know what the answers are anymore. I “do” know he needs to learn new coping skills and he does too but where to go and the cost of the one after care program in county is daunting and only 5 days duration as an outpatient.

Keeping enough food in the house for all is a challenge and nights I feed the men, telling them I’m not hungry so we have enough food. I eat a piece of fruit or toast or a yogurt. Our original agreement while he was so sick in the hospital was for him to move home, recover his very bad health with medical treatment and get off drugs. To begin over.

"Let me die."

Son is in a vicious cycle of nausea and vomiting daily all day as Hepatitis engulfs his body. Denial get’s you dead. In order to forgo his stomach and treat the pain and nausea he must see a doctor but refuses. Arguing, all is pointless with anyone who refuses treatment. Our outdated Constitution gives him the right to do nothing while family can only watch. When an individual becomes unconscious only then can paramedics proceed. Last night was that reality but son never passed out so no assistance was rendered when they arrived. It was a nightmare on camera in our small town once word got out.

 

 

It’s all spun out of control. Son’s addiction has turned the home upside down and our life to hell but I have myself to blame. He stopped seeing his medical doctor because the doctor wants him to see a mental health doctor. The monthly temporary state money he has started using to fund his habit of marijuana to take his nausea away and stop vomiting just to keep down nourishment. I don’t want to give up on him, if I do he has nobody.

I’m fighting my own mortal battle now along with his.

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Sadly son’s battle rages on in will and deteriorating health. The Hep C strain he has succumbed to is eating his liver alive. The good is the doctor we went to told us son’s strain is curable. The bad is he is very much in denial, real pain and the doctor will not treat anything but his Hep, he flatly told us he does not believe in the other diagnosis which are also causing him great physical pain. Pain meds for an addict is a hard, nearly impossible call. To throw a person into Interfuron chemotherapy with no pain relief is horrible. His 3 bad spine discs alone keep him from sleeping, Interfuron patients have a high mortality rate for suicide this doctor warned us.

Checkmate.

Mental Hospital. Silence of reason.

Two weeks ago a  friend of my son’s was assaulted near his building and died, he was 24.

It’s now June 2010, my son is still alive but high risk. There is no way to describe what a  mother thinks or feels watching her son self destruct. What shocks me is that nobody cares anywhere. I grew up into my thirties and raised my children in our own home in rural Maine, when I left the state and my home spreading my wings elsewhere with my new husband I realized my children and myself had been living in a bubble. Human‘s “want” to do good and care but in reality it’s only an idea and rarely acted on.

The last 13 hours my 25 year old son has been walking around the main streets of the city he lives in irrational, crying out in anger and physical pain for help and he is avoided at all costs by people and police unless he hurts someone or himself. Someone broke into his rented room at 5 am this morning, assaulted him and robbed him of his prescribed medications he had just picked up 2 days before and the someone was a person off the street he knew.

A call from him then me to the emergency psychiatric services got both of us nowhere. He walked himself to the hospital emergency room 7 blocks away with my egging him on in support the whole trip on mobile phones and that resulted in him being given no help and being told to leave because he is in a combative mood. My son has state run health insurance coverage, it’s a half step up from being piss poor and having none and doctors aren’t required to accept it.

My son has a dual diagnosis, triple if that’s got a name. He is mentally ill, drug addicted and has a newly discovered  life threatening condition with his heart due to the drugs and  lack of caring for his body.  All I can do from my end here one state away is what I am always doing, emailing and phoning trying to get him into treatment anywhere and find funding for it.

I have sent him small amounts of money then stopped, had people bring him canned food and that stopped. On his walk home from the hospital he kicked in a window in a basement. When he’s like this I have to just shut off my phone and I hate it.

I call this stage of my sons tirades the crash & burning and God knows how long it will last.

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