Posts Tagged ‘Disorders’

Фотография радующегося мальчика
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I got to see my son for the first time in a very long time. We spent much needed time together. I had never seen his arms before now as back we last meant it was winter and he always had long sleeves. When I drove up he was smiling, standing in the lot adjacent to the rooming house he rents in. He had no fresh needle marks that I could see, his doctor has him drug tested so just maybe this is for real I hope. He had scars though, his arms, his neck and legs. I call them battle scars.   We held his hands like when he was little, quickly scanning over his body as mother’s do to be sure all looked okay.

Prior to this moment we have been conversing only on the phone this last year, it’s been much to long being apart. We hugged each other the hug of mother and child reunited.” My son is alive” I heard myself think silently, and I am so grateful. Before today I had always lived in fear of him not hurting me, but just afraid of the deep depression and anger he has carried around since being a toddler, teenager and then adult.

His illness has landed him in jail, in hospitals, crisis shelters and homeless. He has been assaulted, drugged and robbed and tried to commit suicide on 4 occasions.  It’s cost him every single job, his relatives and friends have left him. There is just his brother and myself. If only as a child his father would have allowed him to stay on his medication, if only he had agreed to take it as a teenager…

As a teenager it became much worse and he was thrown out of school. He was always in physical confrontations, his voice booming in anger was a constant at home and when he became bigger than me occasionally he would physically attack me in the heat of the moment, once or twice resulting in my falling over. Life with son growing up was horrible and unpredictable and destructive no matter who came to help or by placing him in a facility for help. Here I stood holding my son already seeing the 100% difference in his manner, thinking and moods all from one antidepressant medication and I am so happy for him. He is back to the land of the living, now we can get to finally know each other. Everyday I call him and remind him to take his medication, so far he has stayed on it and has no plans on stopping. We actually talk now and laugh. There is no yelling!

We spent that special day catching up with each other, sharing life experiences while apart, laughing together and hugging some more.  We went and got something to eat and the end of the day I didn’t want to leave and drive the hour or so away again. I’d have given anything to bring him back with me but his life is where he is, it’s not much but his room is his and I respect that. I brought him things for his room, food and cooking utensils to help make him more self sufficient. He was grateful and enjoyed showing me his small space.

Oh if I could just grab him, throw him in my car and bring him home. In so many ways he is still a boy who has missed much by being alseep for years in pain and drugs. In many ways he is an old man who has been through much too much for a 25 year old man. I pray daily he can keep the life he has given back to himself by finally taking his antidepressant.

My son smiled, laughed, talked and people no longer stare at him for his hateful outbursts. Now they are drawn to him because he says “hello” to them and “how are you man?, nice day isn’t it?”  His new energy is profound.

This is my son, and he is alive today!

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This is a post I found from a fellow Blogger on WordPress in my never ending search for more input and treatments of depression. It can’t hurt to read it, right?

Natural Treatment For Depression – It Is Possible! by: Dr. Isaac Schumann Depression is one of the most common psychological and emotional problems American adults encounter. A study reports that about 13 to 20 percent of American adults have some form of depressive symptoms. Unfortunately, many severe cases of depression can ultimately lead to suicide. Are there any solutions and treatments available to stem this unfortunate tide? Fortunately, the answer to this is yes. Unfortunately again, many … Read More

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Son agreed to, and actually took his Celexa this morning. Anytime you start a new antidepressant there can be a few side effects and small adjustments to be made, there is no “fast fix” that happens overnight, the problem is with the 1st feeling of weirdness son will flat out not take it anymore.  That said, when my doctor put me on Lexapro I felt better within 24 hours and I was mildly pleased. I had over two decades been on almost every antidepressant made before 2008 when we found this one that worked. I’d be interested to see if it could help my son. He wants so much to feel better, he tries to do what he knows he should but again he has misgivings because at age 25 he has always dealt with his life his way, some habits even bad are hard to change.

When he phoned me this morning we could actually talk with no anger or yelling in his voice. I miss my son. My son hasn’t been okay for a very long time so we relish a good day. On occasions like today and yesterday we are on the same page. The only other problem is “feeling it real” as he calls it. He isn’t used to feeling emotions and being unable to work has done a number on his self esteem. His body’s first reaction to emotion is a full blown panic attack which causes him to want to calm himself the fastest possible way so if there is a joint or pill around he has to take it. It’s all he knows to do and there is nobody but me to give him feedback which is supposed to be what the mental health clinic is doing.

His psychiatric nurse practitioner is only in the clinic 2 days a week for a short 4 hour intervals and we have requested he see someone with more of a presence since he now has state medical coverage.  He has been clean from the Heroin and his veins look like they may recover too. He was occasionally shooting dope while he was selling it last year into this year and the mental health clinic has started drug testing at risk patients which is a good thing. He says he doesn’t want to use dope again but he’s been tempted to get back into selling it on the street so he doesn’t have to be “piss poor” as he is now.

He had a car, clothes, good job, (yes he worked and sold) an apartment and money in his pocket as apposed to getting off the crap and now he is in a rented room in a cheap area of the city where he weekly has to go to the city’s general assistance (welfare) to get his room rent paid. His kidneys are full of stones, he is thin and pale from chronic insomnia which in turn causes him to become psychotic after 5-7 days awake.

Yes, 5-7 days awake.

That could be partly being sober and the bigger part is everyone including myself on my side of the family has acute chronic insomnia. My mother has it, my brother had it and it attributed to his death in January 2001 while driving. My doctor describes it as “you know when you leave a room to shut off the light, well your switch is broken therefor your light (being awake) is always stuck on. Luckily I became aware of the problem in my twenties and began a lifetime medication (non addictive) regime of taking a 2nd low dose of an antidepressant to counteract my sleeplessness. If I don’t take the medication, I don’t sleep.

During an evacuation in Florida from hurricane Frances hub and I drove to the west coast of Florida. Once there we realized I had left my sleeping meds behind in the rush. We were stranded on the west coast 7 days straight and I was awake 5 of them. I can tell you and my son knows for a fact when your up 5 days it can make anyone appear psychotic. By the end of that 5th day my hub says I just collapsed in exhaustion and I still only stayed asleep 5 hours. My son has the same affliction.

I am my sons mother and doubling as his support system, motivational speaker and an ear when he needs one. He knows if I even suspect he is taking advantage of me I will cut off the support . Instead of giving him money for all of the things he needs for his new rent we are renting a car July 5th and driving up with everything from socks to instant coffee to a hot plate and whatever else will keep him self sufficient. He had in the last two years over 6 jobs and he was fired from all of them, he has a long history of being fired when he goes from his major high moods back down deep into anger in depression. He has no impulse control  whatsoever and i am hoping we can get that addressed soon because that will get him killed faster then drugs.

He has already been assaulted, in fights and been to jail because he is so out of control during a downward spiral. Luckily in his city the police have a special unit that identifies individuals who may have mental health issues and can deal with them accordingly as apposed to tossing them in jail with the general population. The police are never many people’s favorites but son is damned lucky they know via “me” he has mental health issues and has had it long term.

Son is being treated by two other doctors and working for him is out of the question due to medical problems, his kidneys and spine are in bad shape. He has been working with a social worker out of the YMCA shelter who is in the process of helping him obtain temporary disability, otherwise known as Supplemental Security Income otherwise known as SSI and we are trying to get him through the waiting and having no income coming in as best possible all around the board. It’s been months now and the month of August was mentioned to him as a target. We will see.

My goal isn’t to baby my son nor to take care of him, do not get the two confused. I am just trying to give him the best possible odds of staying alive so he can get well, and he CAN get well. The difficulty is he is a 25 year old man and makes his own decisions even though they can be poor ones.  My fingers are crossed he will give the damned Celexa at least two to three weeks to level out in his body.  Tomorrow he and I will talk some more like we do daily everyday.

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