Posts Tagged ‘addict’

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Medical Marijuana.”

For myself the two words bring up an image of the 1970’s I grew up in sitting around smoking a “joint” with friends as a teenager. I never thought I would live to see marijuana used for medication. I never even considered the thought. In my 50’s in my own experience of medical treatment and pain management I would have to weigh the pro’s and con’s to use it or not for anything more than recreation. No, I don’t use it and haven’t in decades. Back when I and friends used “pot” it did two things, made us sleep and eat. In the last couple years of it being medically legalized I have seen Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, or “PTSD” treated with  every drug available. If anything the side effects of the medications were worse than what they were treating, causing son to become so agitated he would need a drug for the drug. Insert here the fact his ailing liver with HepC is filtering all of it when it shouldn’t be anywhere near it.

Son’s underlying mental illness is exacerbated by the severe PTSD he has. In one full blown “flashback” he is a 125 pound 5’8″ yelling  terrified wrecking ball for which only marijuana seems to keep in check.  He’s cooked it, he has smoked it, or vaped the elixir. He can eat, becomes social, sleeps nights, and is as normal as he can be using it 3 times a day. The bigger problem is the fact son won’t drive. Years ago he was hit head on by drunk drivers not once but twice and it changed his life forever.

Four years of son’s recovery. Recovery takes the rest of a life and if son doesn’t take charge of his life and leave our apartment this will be the rest of OUR life.

My health isn’t good. My husband’s been hit for the first time in his life with painful arthritis this winter and we both have been revolving door patients at the local hospital due to lack of healthcare nor can we afford “ObamaCare.” Son thankfully has state medical care but refuses to use it not trusting doctors. I have one more clinic visit at the cost of 185$ plus prescriptions and when those run out I don’t know what we will do. My own mental health is kept in check with medication these last 20+ years and without them is no happy ending.

One bit of good news before my 2am signing off here is I quit smoking nearly one year now. My 67 year old mother was a smoker who contracted Metastasized Breast Cancer in 2000, again in 2012. Her second time around she stayed home refusing any more treatment and took her own life in the end. I’m praying hard as I get older it isn’t genetics.



One week after a visit with a new family doctor for myself she dumped me as a patient after writing me a pain script and a pharmacy phoning her. Because my meds have been stolen so much by son I am now red flagged with the two local pharmacies. Two weeks ago I got my monthly meds filled and my Oxy script went missing though we hid them. Yes I know it’s partly my fault for enabling him. I just didn’t want him suffering or dying in the street like he was.

My once a day morphine was untouched only because it has been on me everywhere I go, in my pockets and even in my bra when I sleep. The pain in my spine from the tumor is bad enough to cause me to consider walking in front of the train. Without pain meds it is a reality. It’s gone crazy with son here and he needs to find somewhere else to live. I feel like a failure but he needs to do his part which he will not. Maybe now that I cannot get subscribed Oxy he will leave. He doesn’t know I am taking morphine thank God. I tell him daily to phone a doctor to get his own meds if he is really in pain but he does nothing but stay in his room now coming out only to relieve himself and give me dirty looks. He is “sick” now and dangerous. I’ve stayed upmost nights afraid to sleep. I have 3 calls waiting to be returned from low income mental health resources for him and myself.

I’m trying, I really am God.

Fargo, ND, March 27, 2009 -- The Salvation Arm...

Staying sober is not just in the mind. There are those of you that think so and it is incorrect.  My son is still sober and taking his medication. Each day is not always a good one but with the added oomph from his Celexa he has more ability to cope and think before reacting. I was telling my sister over the phone how profound son’s change has been and she too was taken back. Son still has a very long life ahead being he is just 25.  His illness and a bad divorce from his father took his childhood away at a very young age. By age 10 he was essentially a grownup, or thought he was and a darned angry one.

You see, most in the family, school and anyone else involved blamed the breakdown of mine and his dad’s marriage and resulting emotional fallout. Divorce is never pretty agreed upon or not and nearly always the children no matter how young or old often blame themselves.  My son was only 8 and most certainly a daddy’s boy back then. The breakup exacerbated his symptoms.

Because he has been stuck in one place all of his years and been mentally ill he was still living and feeling as if he was in the moment of the divorce. Abandonment, anger, fear, it’s all been front and center the past 25 years for him.  My not coping back then with the situation overtook me for some time and I would often need a doctor’s care to get through days, that also pulled myself away from son so he was bounced back and forth between his new step family and home with mom and siblings. That is too much for a little boy to carry around inside.

We have been talking daily now, trying to work out finances to help him through his waiting period for a disability (or SSI) hearing with his attorney, his medications refilled and paid for, clean clothes, food and keeping him self sufficient so he can feel more in control which helps his self esteem grow.  He also now needs needs attention given to his A.D.D, his thoughts are all over the board and it bothers him because he often loses important items and is forgetting a great deal.  Because he is poverty line income he is forced to use the city free clinical system which on a good day is a broken one.  He has only been able to see his “psyc worker” once in three weeks to a month. The system is so overtaxed often he must wait a month or the weather will be so bad he cannot physically walk the 8 blocks with his medical problems.

Between he and I and his brother, that’s the jest of support outside of the clinic. I’m still trying to get him a case worker through a local nonprofit there. The best thing that has happened is he hasn’t given up, he has hope AND is still sober (knock wood).

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