20140222-015704.jpg

Often times those ill in our life directly and indirectly demand so much attention we realize years later and ask ourselves “Why can’t I remember his first baseball game?” Or a daughter’s dance recital? Guilt rushes in as I get older because I have two other grown children I don’t see alot and I’m having trouble remembering icon events in their child lives. My mentally ill adult son as a mentally ill child demanded much of my 14 year single mother time in home and out. My other two unfairly were off to the sideline of forever ongoing crisis that’s their brother.

I miss my other two children alot. The idea as they got older was I returned here from the south to get to know them again. I can’t get their childhood back but I have time now. I thought I did. By nature I’m a solitary person so I have few friends, none close. Even if I did our situation would scare them off.

I’ve tried social media to reach out to people and groups about addiction but discovered over the years you can either contact other’s online or off. Chances are if you talk at length online you won’t hear anything from them offline except “Facebook me.” I gave up on that.

I haven’t seen my oldest son whom I talk to the most on the phone in two years. The last time he came down was Christmas 2012 which ended in screaming & shouting initiated by addict-son. My oldest son had rode the train here and was met by a wall of anger and insults from his brother who in our small apartment had heard conversation between us in an adjoining room about nothing in particular.

My son never came down again he was so angry and shocked by his brother’s attack, as he should be. I have a daughter also we haven’t seen in years who has her own daughter with another on the way. The idea of putting son and what little he has “out on the sidewalk” is easy to say but no doubt will draw attention and more damage from his temper not to mention he will be back where he nearly died with addiction. Help saving son has made us his physical and emotional hostages. This has gone way too far yet we don’t know what to do without retaliation.

20140109-031503.jpg

It’s winter doldrum time. My 28 year old son has been sober now awhile but thats all. He eats, sleeps, stays in his room 24-7 coming out only when we go to bed. He’s depressed and all I can do is suggest to him what to do.

He’s filled the hole in himself drugs no longer fill with distorted thoughts and negativity. All reason has gone out the window. In the meantime we had to fly home to husband’s country when he lost a parent. I have a depressed husband and son now under one roof and they hate each other.

Not a great update. Son has no income and no car and his 2nd try at disability was rejected. His HepC isn’t active now but his negativity is just as bad.

Getting clean is only 1/3 of the battle. Now somehow he needs to pick himself up and get participating in life before his stepfather throws him out.

The extreme cold dark winter weather isn’t helping. Son is on no medications by choice, good meds included. I don’t know what happens with his HepC because he isn’t seeing doctors of any kind.

To you people considering having children, that they will grow up and you’ll get some part of an adult life back, think long and hard. I’m nearly 52 with my own plans that haven’t been realized and Now I feel overwhelmed and trapped.

This is the year my husband and I are supposed to move overseas as in our plans for retirement. I don’t know how that can happen if son doesn’t help himself! Since returning from abroad 2 months ago we laid down rules and informed my son we will be leaving come June. It’s so frustrating!

FOR YOU LOVE PEACE .......... MAMITA SUFFER PA...

Whoever says the pain of childbirth ends when the child emerges is so wrong.  A mother carries the pain and more to her grave. My son is free of the drugs now but the pain it numbed is as raw and present as the day I pushed him into the world, both the baby and myself screaming in pain. Hence the blog’s title.

Reaction to a comment left months ago, yes I very much do have a life aside from this blog and the description of it’s contents.  If one hasn’t noticed, I prefer to remain unnamed and keep the “other part of me” elswhere.

Sitting here early morning, a door between myself and my sleeping son. A brief interlude of early morning beauty and the twisting pain of a back spasm that woke me.

Social Security Poster: old man

I’m tired in every form of the word.  Husband and I argue constantly if we aren’t the only ones home. We don’t argue at all when it’s just us two alone in the home.

Life isn’t long enough to fit in it the one I have spent helping my son recover  near death and having one of my own with my husband.  I will begin weekly posting again. These days my husband, son’s stepfather, is half out of his mind in anger &  frustration for him to move out.  Me?, loving my son as an adult and wanting him to “grab the reigns” of his life to go forward of his own accord with guidance in place.

Bluntly speaking, he is 28 this month and well in a place where he should be taking an initiative, but he is not in every sense of the word. I am turning 51, stepfather is 56. Here we are. The focus now is mental health, medication and integration back into the world. Easily said, hard as hell with his disability and becoming too comfortable at “home.”

He has applied for SSI twice, each turned down. Our state awards temporary disability cash monthly benefits to disabled people while they apply for disability with Social Security that would last up to 5 years or until they were approved. Last year the state voted to limit the program and make it that if the patient was turned down for Federal SSI or SSDI that the state would stop all cash benefits as a result within 30 days of a decision. This was due I am sure because of people taking advantage of the state program.

It happened to me 4 years ago. I have severe physical disabilities and was applying for SSI before the state changed the law and I was also cut off suddenly with my first (and common) denial of SSI, SSDI. What is scary is the large amount of state disabled residents depending on the program to live that were suddenly homeless within 30 days of being turned down by Social Security! I can tell you it was thousands of individuals.

Son’s being refused has now cost him his benefits (Aid to the Temporary and Permanently Disabled, APTD) to be closed as of the 15th of this month, today is his last payment. We live on one over minimum wage paycheck, thats it. Leaving us with a 28 year old as our dependant until he is awarded SSDI which is nothing short of going to throw my home life into a war zone.

At age 28 and having lived his life on his own since age 18 I didn’t forsee that son would want to live home long but he is. He sleeps all day and stays up nights in his room.  Getting him to drive himself anywhere causes him to be sick from PTSD after being hit head on by a drunk driver the same year he became sick with HepC. We need all the help we can get by lawyer for his disability case we need to appeal.

At my over 50 age I thought I’d be sitting on a warm beach somewhere tropical sipping a Margarita, not fighting with my husband about a grown son still living here 3 years later.

image

Christmas 2012 is days away. Much has changed since the last post. First off, son is alive. Secondly, son is sober and his liver seems to be trying to recover itself. When he was hospitalized the doctor indicated this could happen in a best case scenario. It seems luck is on son’s side. He is still thin & pale. He still goes out rarely. As a matter of fact it’s his mental state that is now the battle in the fore front.

We have relocated. The living space we were in was stressful because it was very small. An opportunity arose for us to move into a larger affordable dwelling and we took it gratefully. The greater problem, nothing to do with son, is income. Shortly after moving my husband’s employer passed out pay cuts at the worst possible time, days before Christmas and at a time our rent payment has increased by one hundred dollars a month.  For the moment the focus is on our living situation with son now somewhat stable medically. Since the last post he has seen more than one doctor but had no luck getting one to prescribe medications without wanting to perform a liver biopsy which son is against.

20120225-235311.jpg

We are still here. Son is still here not by the grace of any God, neither of us believes in such silliness anymore. It’s been awhile updating but it’s a good update because the battle for life is stable for this today. Each day his liver isn’t well it shows on him now like an unwanted shadow. He’s in bed 99.9% of each day, rising to use the restroom or try to drink. He drinks alot and eats little because his body is rejecting nourishment the last two weeks. He is sick to his stomach if he eats.

One day at a time.

Posted: 26/02/2012 in Endstage Hepatitis
Tags: , ,

Christmas was a happy one. Son was sober, his siblings came to visit. Well, one did. After being his caretaker and nearly losing his own mind, oldest son saw his brother sober for the first time in years. Seeing them together brought back a flood of little boy memories. Even back then sick son was “sick.” Already violent, unhappy and noticeably disturbed by age 3.

I enjoyed Christmas with him. He wasn’t yelling, or high, or angry. A first for he and I together. The new year hopefully will bring better moments like this.

Posted: 05/01/2012 in Dyslimbia
Tags: , , , , , ,

20111121-003521.jpg

The mountain was moved, not all at once of course, but it moved. It’s been awhile since posting. The gap wasn’t from forgetfulness or neglect. It’s been due to work. Work in every aspect of healing.

Son is sober and has been so for awhile. It’s been nearly one year since he received his prognosis of 15 months to two years. He looks better. His mood is better. He has gained 30 pounds since last Christmas when we brought him home from the hospital.

Recent tests show his liver levels are better but it changes on a dime as his body is still healing and trying to recover from 8 years of neglect and drug abuse. Just two Ibuprofen for a headache throws him into fits of nausea, vomiting and liver pain. His Hep C is active.

Have you ever seen a former smoker who is obnoxiously preaching the ills of smoking after quitting? My son does the same regarding drug addiction on and offline, but I smile. The important thing is he’s quit. Anything after is a blessing.

He is still far from being better physically. Baby steps the doctor calls it. Son’s days are rest, eat and more rest. The holidays for us all are a bit happier this season. He will see his younger sister for the first time in three years on Thanksgiving, lord knows when anyone ever saw him sober.

They are about to meet a very different son.

Posted: 21/11/2011 in Drug Addiction, Dyslimbia, Healing
Tags: , , , , , , , ,