Archive for the ‘Images’ Category

3 days ago I rented a car and made the drive out of state to retrieve my son and brought him home. I have no expectations and though advice given to us said to leave him to his own devices, my maternal instinct overtook my reason. I couldn’t leave him to die so ill. The scene I arrived on was absolute squalor, darkness and amongst the trash and garbage piled high wall to wall in the rented room was a shadow of an unshaved, unkept 25 year old man child. Fighting back tears I remained tight lipped and matter of fact and collected my son and very few of his left possessions. The building wreaked of sweat, human sewerage, rotted garbage and everywhere there was old drug paraphernalia in and outside son’s room. Packing his belongings to leave was fast and efficient, within 2 hours with his help the rental car was loaded up and with a few interruptions from the derelict inhabitants yelling at me  we left for good. In my head we were racing away from son’s previous 9 years of hell to mine & husbands home out of state and into the unknown. No it wasn’t the best answer and my husband, his step dad and I have spent the last week arguing about my having son home. The last time he lived with us he was 18,  when he had in a drug withdrawal rage welded a baseball bat in the air at his stepfather which landed son, rightly so, in jail for 30 days. I put him there.

Prior to now I made some phone calls to find what help and support son could get just over the border where his state medical care would be paid. Here I found a detox facility that only offered a 5 day in house program with aftercare support, in the same hospital is a medical clinic and mental health, both very limited. All of these are pretty much useless because of the short length of services. I asked why such short time spans and was answered with the explanation that it was state and federal government budget cuts. If we want any treatment elsewhere in my home state I need to apply son for medicaid right away and wait weeks for his approval letter. The difficult part once approved is a large majority of providers will not accept individuals with such insurance. I spoke with son’s former doctor who had treated him before kicking him aside when the state stopped payments to clarify his medical condition. I was told son is suffering from Severe Hepatitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and also Epstein-Barr virus. Not adding his severe mental health issues, I feel overwhelmed.

He has been awake 2 hours, had too much of his Oxycodone and is asking to go to the hospital E.R., a favorite fast fix for him to get valium when he runs out of what his doctor gives him. My medications are all hidden and I am still calling rehabs to try to find inpatient help to no avail. I even wrote twice the last 12 months to “Intervention.”

For a moment he is safe, Merry Christmas.


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Yesterday was son’s second day of his Celexa and he phoned me later in the day to exclaim what a wonderful day he had experienced. His brother and myself are the only family members who stay in touch with him, we are his support system of sorts. It brought tears to my eyes to hear him gleefully tell me about a scooter ride he and his older brother had taken in the city together. The two live in the same 4 block area but rarely have been able to just be brothers and goof off. My older son was pleased to see his brother happy, explaining that he talked too much!

The milestone was not just the moments he experienced true happiness but also telling his back doctor on this day he needed no pain medication which raised the doctors eyebrows. I hope he isn’t jumping too fast with his medical. Son was afraid of relapsing if he had the Oxy’s  in his apartment.

Today I haven’t yet reached him, I know he had a meeting this morning regarding his applying for temporary disability benefits until he can be stabilized. I have been phoning him and he me a few calls per day. I am hoping for today to be his 3rd day feeling good and taking his medication whereas he did lower his dose slightly because he said it made him feel “jittery,” .. this mother has her fingers crossed until I hear from him.

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It has been a crazy last few days. After a horrendous few days to a week son will call me as if nothing has happened and say, “hey momma, what’s up?” It’s as if he is oblivious to the fact he has just created total chaos on the street where he lives and with anyone around him such as us or his brother. I’m not complaining but I am perplexed and concerned. One of these up-down episodes he will end up being murdered the way he strikes out at anyone on the street.

My phone rang two days ago late morning and on the other end was my “real son.” I say it because he was calm, rational and I was able to have a dialect with him. THIS is my son. The rationality is short lived, just a mere number of days but I take it when I can get him that way. We are going to visit him soon and I have been compiling a list of what he needs for his small rented room. He has nothing.

We discuss the basics, he and I. A hot plate, a convection oven, food, dishes, all the things one needs in a new place. He then tells me his therapist had him take a random drug test and she has informed him he will be changed from his present Benzo’ medication to a different one. Later after we have hung up I call his therapist to express my concern about his dramatic highs and lows and also inquire if she would consider putting him on a stabilizer. One thing that’s always been consistent is son allowing me to speak to anyone medical or otherwise with his permission.

The woman is always condescending over the phone, I have a difficult time believing she even wants to help him. Try as he and I have, we cannot seem to get him to see an actual psychiatrist at the clinic he goes to, someone he may have a better sense of communication with. I hope this small reprieve from his demons lasts a few days for both our sakes. This stage is called “Back To Earth,” aptly so because when he phones me I have always teased him by saying “welcome back to the planet.” One day at a time.

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