Archive for the ‘Healing’ Category

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I am happy to see 2014 end.

I am also happy to report that my son is well, out on his own still sober and working. Not to say re-entering life for him isn’t a challenge, on the contrary, every day is a fight for life and living it. The biggest challenge is learning to feel everything that was stuffed aside by the drugs so many years but he is managing it, some days one minute at a time. Is it scary hell but it IS possible. My message to you still using and anyone involved is never give up hope, never stop trying. So long as your breathing you have all the chances of getting your life back. I will write more in-depth of an update soon but wanted to offer up this short post as I have had many emails to inquire how son is doing and I welcome anyone to email or comment needing an ear.

My heart goes out to you all.

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Son becoming sober has been 10% us as parents and 90% himself working to get and remain there. It’s been over a year or more now and we have watched his life take on a total change of him finally realizing healthier decisions. Eating, who he associates with, how he feels about himself, how he views and interacts with those around him has changed for the positive. Keep in mind there are also health and mental issues at play. For a long time now he and we have been “stuck”in his recovery process. As his mother I cannot solely put into place the strong support system needed to help him learn new coping skills to not fall back into old ones. Though I have reached out continuously to outside sources none have helped I have gotten no answers. In the years of his drug addiction as in most, his extended family members have faded into the darkness that swallowed him whole out of fear and not knowing what to do.

During son’s childhood he and his brother, 2 years older had always had close ties with their father’s family. Both my son’s lived in the same city as adults during the years of son’s active spiral of self destruction but seeing this, family were unwilling to offer help except for his older brother. I believe to this day that the my older son kept his brother from certain death. Since younger son’s journey living home fighting to get his life back he has always pined to have his father and older brother back into his life. He will never tell them, but they are who he loves and respects most and has mourned losing due to his own actions.

Imagine my delight when after many years son picked up his phone just before Easter, calling his “dad” and talking over an hour, answering his father’s questions, telling him how sorry he was for his actions as an active addict yet thanking his father for still being there. Next he phoned his estranged older brother followed in days by taking the train to see him for the first time in 2 years. I heard the visit went well and have noticed rekindling those bonds has changed him profoundly, giving him hope and strength as he moves forward again. I want nothing less than to have both of my sons together in our life, it’s been too long since we have all been family.

After years beginning his journey a new door opened.

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Medical Marijuana.”

For myself the two words bring up an image of the 1970’s I grew up in sitting around smoking a “joint” with friends as a teenager. I never thought I would live to see marijuana used for medication. I never even considered the thought. In my 50’s in my own experience of medical treatment and pain management I would have to weigh the pro’s and con’s to use it or not for anything more than recreation. No, I don’t use it and haven’t in decades. Back when I and friends used “pot” it did two things, made us sleep and eat. In the last couple years of it being medically legalized I have seen Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, or “PTSD” treated with  every drug available. If anything the side effects of the medications were worse than what they were treating, causing son to become so agitated he would need a drug for the drug. Insert here the fact his ailing liver with HepC is filtering all of it when it shouldn’t be anywhere near it.

Son’s underlying mental illness is exacerbated by the severe PTSD he has. In one full blown “flashback” he is a 125 pound 5’8″ yelling  terrified wrecking ball for which only marijuana seems to keep in check.  He’s cooked it, he has smoked it, or vaped the elixir. He can eat, becomes social, sleeps nights, and is as normal as he can be using it 3 times a day. The bigger problem is the fact son won’t drive. Years ago he was hit head on by drunk drivers not once but twice and it changed his life forever.

Four years of son’s recovery. Recovery takes the rest of a life and if son doesn’t take charge of his life and leave our apartment this will be the rest of OUR life.

My health isn’t good. My husband’s been hit for the first time in his life with painful arthritis this winter and we both have been revolving door patients at the local hospital due to lack of healthcare nor can we afford “ObamaCare.” Son thankfully has state medical care but refuses to use it not trusting doctors. I have one more clinic visit at the cost of 185$ plus prescriptions and when those run out I don’t know what we will do. My own mental health is kept in check with medication these last 20+ years and without them is no happy ending.

One bit of good news before my 2am signing off here is I quit smoking nearly one year now. My 67 year old mother was a smoker who contracted Metastasized Breast Cancer in 2000, again in 2012. Her second time around she stayed home refusing any more treatment and took her own life in the end. I’m praying hard as I get older it isn’t genetics.

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It’s winter doldrum time. My 28 year old son has been sober now awhile but thats all. He eats, sleeps, stays in his room 24-7 coming out only when we go to bed. He’s depressed and all I can do is suggest to him what to do.

He’s filled the hole in himself drugs no longer fill with distorted thoughts and negativity. All reason has gone out the window. In the meantime we had to fly home to husband’s country when he lost a parent. I have a depressed husband and son now under one roof and they hate each other.

Not a great update. Son has no income and no car and his 2nd try at disability was rejected. His HepC isn’t active now but his negativity is just as bad.

Getting clean is only 1/3 of the battle. Now somehow he needs to pick himself up and get participating in life before his stepfather throws him out.

The extreme cold dark winter weather isn’t helping. Son is on no medications by choice, good meds included. I don’t know what happens with his HepC because he isn’t seeing doctors of any kind.

To you people considering having children, that they will grow up and you’ll get some part of an adult life back, think long and hard. I’m nearly 52 with my own plans that haven’t been realized and Now I feel overwhelmed and trapped.

This is the year my husband and I are supposed to move overseas as in our plans for retirement. I don’t know how that can happen if son doesn’t help himself! Since returning from abroad 2 months ago we laid down rules and informed my son we will be leaving come June. It’s so frustrating!

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I’m tired in every form of the word.  Husband and I argue constantly if we aren’t the only ones home. We don’t argue at all when it’s just us two alone in the home.

Life isn’t long enough to fit in it the one I have spent helping my son recover  near death and having one of my own with my husband.  I will begin weekly posting again. These days my husband, son’s stepfather, is half out of his mind in anger &  frustration for him to move out.  Me?, loving my son as an adult and wanting him to “grab the reigns” of his life to go forward of his own accord with guidance in place.

Bluntly speaking, he is 28 this month and well in a place where he should be taking an initiative, but he is not in every sense of the word. I am turning 51, stepfather is 56. Here we are. The focus now is mental health, medication and integration back into the world. Easily said, hard as hell with his disability and becoming too comfortable at “home.”

He has applied for SSI twice, each turned down. Our state awards temporary disability cash monthly benefits to disabled people while they apply for disability with Social Security that would last up to 5 years or until they were approved. Last year the state voted to limit the program and make it that if the patient was turned down for Federal SSI or SSDI that the state would stop all cash benefits as a result within 30 days of a decision. This was due I am sure because of people taking advantage of the state program.

It happened to me 4 years ago. I have severe physical disabilities and was applying for SSI before the state changed the law and I was also cut off suddenly with my first (and common) denial of SSI, SSDI. What is scary is the large amount of state disabled residents depending on the program to live that were suddenly homeless within 30 days of being turned down by Social Security! I can tell you it was thousands of individuals.

Son’s being refused has now cost him his benefits (Aid to the Temporary and Permanently Disabled, APTD) to be closed as of the 15th of this month, today is his last payment. We live on one over minimum wage paycheck, thats it. Leaving us with a 28 year old as our dependant until he is awarded SSDI which is nothing short of going to throw my home life into a war zone.

At age 28 and having lived his life on his own since age 18 I didn’t forsee that son would want to live home long but he is. He sleeps all day and stays up nights in his room.  Getting him to drive himself anywhere causes him to be sick from PTSD after being hit head on by a drunk driver the same year he became sick with HepC. We need all the help we can get by lawyer for his disability case we need to appeal.

At my over 50 age I thought I’d be sitting on a warm beach somewhere tropical sipping a Margarita, not fighting with my husband about a grown son still living here 3 years later.

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Christmas 2012 is days away. Much has changed since the last post. First off, son is alive. Secondly, son is sober and his liver seems to be trying to recover itself. When he was hospitalized the doctor indicated this could happen in a best case scenario. It seems luck is on son’s side. He is still thin & pale. He still goes out rarely. As a matter of fact it’s his mental state that is now the battle in the fore front.

We have relocated. The living space we were in was stressful because it was very small. An opportunity arose for us to move into a larger affordable dwelling and we took it gratefully. The greater problem, nothing to do with son, is income. Shortly after moving my husband’s employer passed out pay cuts at the worst possible time, days before Christmas and at a time our rent payment has increased by one hundred dollars a month.  For the moment the focus is on our living situation with son now somewhat stable medically. Since the last post he has seen more than one doctor but had no luck getting one to prescribe medications without wanting to perform a liver biopsy which son is against.

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The mountain was moved, not all at once of course, but it moved. It’s been awhile since posting. The gap wasn’t from forgetfulness or neglect. It’s been due to work. Work in every aspect of healing.

Son is sober and has been so for awhile. It’s been nearly one year since he received his prognosis of 15 months to two years. He looks better. His mood is better. He has gained 30 pounds since last Christmas when we brought him home from the hospital.

Recent tests show his liver levels are better but it changes on a dime as his body is still healing and trying to recover from 8 years of neglect and drug abuse. Just two Ibuprofen for a headache throws him into fits of nausea, vomiting and liver pain. His Hep C is active.

Have you ever seen a former smoker who is obnoxiously preaching the ills of smoking after quitting? My son does the same regarding drug addiction on and offline, but I smile. The important thing is he’s quit. Anything after is a blessing.

He is still far from being better physically. Baby steps the doctor calls it. Son’s days are rest, eat and more rest. The holidays for us all are a bit happier this season. He will see his younger sister for the first time in three years on Thanksgiving, lord knows when anyone ever saw him sober.

They are about to meet a very different son.

Who Are You?

Posted: 14/09/2011 in Healing
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Taking his life day by day and still sober. He says he is in less pain and his energy is up, he is surprized and obviously pleased with himself. His depression has ebbed and he shows no signs of PTSD lately. The only problem he is having is one he inherited from my side of our family, chronic insomnia. Together we go to his doctor who will be treating his Hepatitis C for some blood work. He still is refusing medical treatment for it so all that can be done is to keep an eye on his liver levels as he’s agreed to that much.

Today I enjoy a silent victory for my son’s sobriety, tomorrow isn’t here yet so I won’t hope. I am enjoying for the first time in 11 years getting to know my son and today nearly asked him jokingly, “who are you?” but kept silent instead and smiled.