Archive for the ‘General’ Category


Son becoming sober has been 10% us as parents and 90% himself working to get and remain there. It’s been over a year or more now and we have watched his life take on a total change of him finally realizing healthier decisions. Eating, who he associates with, how he feels about himself, how he views and interacts with those around him has changed for the positive. Keep in mind there are also health and mental issues at play. For a long time now he and we have been “stuck”in his recovery process. As his mother I cannot solely put into place the strong support system needed to help him learn new coping skills to not fall back into old ones. Though I have reached out continuously to outside sources none have helped I have gotten no answers. In the years of his drug addiction as in most, his extended family members have faded into the darkness that swallowed him whole out of fear and not knowing what to do.

During son’s childhood he and his brother, 2 years older had always had close ties with their father’s family. Both my son’s lived in the same city as adults during the years of son’s active spiral of self destruction but seeing this, family were unwilling to offer help except for his older brother. I believe to this day that the my older son kept his brother from certain death. Since younger son’s journey living home fighting to get his life back he has always pined to have his father and older brother back into his life. He will never tell them, but they are who he loves and respects most and has mourned losing due to his own actions.

Imagine my delight when after many years son picked up his phone just before Easter, calling his “dad” and talking over an hour, answering his father’s questions, telling him how sorry he was for his actions as an active addict yet thanking his father for still being there. Next he phoned his estranged older brother followed in days by taking the train to see him for the first time in 2 years. I heard the visit went well and have noticed rekindling those bonds has changed him profoundly, giving him hope and strength as he moves forward again. I want nothing less than to have both of my sons together in our life, it’s been too long since we have all been family.

After years beginning his journey a new door opened.



It’s an english tea cup from a set we purchased in our travels years prior. Not replaceable yes. It’s an inanimate object not worth raising blood pressure over yet Mount St. Mom is about to go off with 30 years of compressed anger. I’m human and dangerously at my breaking point. I have gotten through my life with the wonderful gift of finding the humor in situations most cannot and will continue.


Whoever says the pain of childbirth ends when the child emerges is so wrong.  A mother carries the pain and more to her grave. My son is free of the drugs now but the pain it numbed is as raw and present as the day I pushed him into the world, both the baby and myself screaming in pain. Hence the blog’s title.

Reaction to a comment left months ago, yes I very much do have a life aside from this blog and the description of it’s contents.  If one hasn’t noticed, I prefer to remain unnamed and keep the “other part of me” elswhere.

Sitting here early morning, a door between myself and my sleeping son. A brief interlude of early morning beauty and the twisting pain of a back spasm that woke me.

Social Security Poster: old man

I’m tired in every form of the word.  Husband and I argue constantly if we aren’t the only ones home. We don’t argue at all when it’s just us two alone in the home.

Life isn’t long enough to fit in it the one I have spent helping my son recover  near death and having one of my own with my husband.  I will begin weekly posting again. These days my husband, son’s stepfather, is half out of his mind in anger &  frustration for him to move out.  Me?, loving my son as an adult and wanting him to “grab the reigns” of his life to go forward of his own accord with guidance in place.

Bluntly speaking, he is 28 this month and well in a place where he should be taking an initiative, but he is not in every sense of the word. I am turning 51, stepfather is 56. Here we are. The focus now is mental health, medication and integration back into the world. Easily said, hard as hell with his disability and becoming too comfortable at “home.”

He has applied for SSI twice, each turned down. Our state awards temporary disability cash monthly benefits to disabled people while they apply for disability with Social Security that would last up to 5 years or until they were approved. Last year the state voted to limit the program and make it that if the patient was turned down for Federal SSI or SSDI that the state would stop all cash benefits as a result within 30 days of a decision. This was due I am sure because of people taking advantage of the state program.

It happened to me 4 years ago. I have severe physical disabilities and was applying for SSI before the state changed the law and I was also cut off suddenly with my first (and common) denial of SSI, SSDI. What is scary is the large amount of state disabled residents depending on the program to live that were suddenly homeless within 30 days of being turned down by Social Security! I can tell you it was thousands of individuals.

Son’s being refused has now cost him his benefits (Aid to the Temporary and Permanently Disabled, APTD) to be closed as of the 15th of this month, today is his last payment. We live on one over minimum wage paycheck, thats it. Leaving us with a 28 year old as our dependant until he is awarded SSDI which is nothing short of going to throw my home life into a war zone.

At age 28 and having lived his life on his own since age 18 I didn’t forsee that son would want to live home long but he is. He sleeps all day and stays up nights in his room.  Getting him to drive himself anywhere causes him to be sick from PTSD after being hit head on by a drunk driver the same year he became sick with HepC. We need all the help we can get by lawyer for his disability case we need to appeal.

At my over 50 age I thought I’d be sitting on a warm beach somewhere tropical sipping a Margarita, not fighting with my husband about a grown son still living here 3 years later.

It’s eye watering seeing my son emerging more daily from the darkness. The 4th of July he was literally running in the street that had been closed for the firework crowds.

Running and laughing, enjoying who he was, who was around him and the sparkle in his 25 year old eyes made mine water with joy for him.  Please God, let this part of his life last. He is still taking his antidepressant and it’s as if he is a whole new being and experiencing “good” for the very first time in his life since he was a very young boy.

He has been in torment so long I can’t recall the last age he was that he felt happy, let alone laughed like he is now. I phoned him just before we went to bed a night ago and asked what he was doing, he answered; “playing my guitar Ma, I feel great.”  I told him I was proud of him, I said “son, if you start to feel the familiar darkness creeping back into your day remember these days gone by and how good you feel and how much people in your life are enjoying being with you. THIS is the way your supposed to feel!” He says he sees now how important it is for him to keep on his new med’ regime and I hope he means it.

I won’t take this time for granted but I will enjoy our conversations on the phone. He has been asking me so much and re-remembering parts of his life with me before now. It’s as if he wants to know everything all over again now that he is rational. Hard to believe this was a man who was angrily stomping down the main street of the city he lives in and lashing out at anyone within  verbal reach. People and Police who know him are perplexed, his older brother and friends cannot believe he is the same person. I can’t wait to see he and his brother.

The sun is still shining.

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39.365 #106 in explore !   fact:

This is a post I found from a fellow Blogger on WordPress in my never ending search for more input and treatments of depression. It can’t hurt to read it, right?

Natural Treatment For Depression – It Is Possible! by: Dr. Isaac Schumann Depression is one of the most common psychological and emotional problems American adults encounter. A study reports that about 13 to 20 percent of American adults have some form of depressive symptoms. Unfortunately, many severe cases of depression can ultimately lead to suicide. Are there any solutions and treatments available to stem this unfortunate tide? Fortunately, the answer to this is yes. Unfortunately again, many … Read More


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Yesterday was son’s second day of his Celexa and he phoned me later in the day to exclaim what a wonderful day he had experienced. His brother and myself are the only family members who stay in touch with him, we are his support system of sorts. It brought tears to my eyes to hear him gleefully tell me about a scooter ride he and his older brother had taken in the city together. The two live in the same 4 block area but rarely have been able to just be brothers and goof off. My older son was pleased to see his brother happy, explaining that he talked too much!

The milestone was not just the moments he experienced true happiness but also telling his back doctor on this day he needed no pain medication which raised the doctors eyebrows. I hope he isn’t jumping too fast with his medical. Son was afraid of relapsing if he had the Oxy’s  in his apartment.

Today I haven’t yet reached him, I know he had a meeting this morning regarding his applying for temporary disability benefits until he can be stabilized. I have been phoning him and he me a few calls per day. I am hoping for today to be his 3rd day feeling good and taking his medication whereas he did lower his dose slightly because he said it made him feel “jittery,” .. this mother has her fingers crossed until I hear from him.

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reboxetine may improve your mood!

Son agreed to, and actually took his Celexa this morning. Anytime you start a new antidepressant there can be a few side effects and small adjustments to be made, there is no “fast fix” that happens overnight, the problem is with the 1st feeling of weirdness son will flat out not take it anymore.  That said, when my doctor put me on Lexapro I felt better within 24 hours and I was mildly pleased. I had over two decades been on almost every antidepressant made before 2008 when we found this one that worked. I’d be interested to see if it could help my son. He wants so much to feel better, he tries to do what he knows he should but again he has misgivings because at age 25 he has always dealt with his life his way, some habits even bad are hard to change.

When he phoned me this morning we could actually talk with no anger or yelling in his voice. I miss my son. My son hasn’t been okay for a very long time so we relish a good day. On occasions like today and yesterday we are on the same page. The only other problem is “feeling it real” as he calls it. He isn’t used to feeling emotions and being unable to work has done a number on his self esteem. His body’s first reaction to emotion is a full blown panic attack which causes him to want to calm himself the fastest possible way so if there is a joint or pill around he has to take it. It’s all he knows to do and there is nobody but me to give him feedback which is supposed to be what the mental health clinic is doing.

His psychiatric nurse practitioner is only in the clinic 2 days a week for a short 4 hour intervals and we have requested he see someone with more of a presence since he now has state medical coverage.  He has been clean from the Heroin and his veins look like they may recover too. He was occasionally shooting dope while he was selling it last year into this year and the mental health clinic has started drug testing at risk patients which is a good thing. He says he doesn’t want to use dope again but he’s been tempted to get back into selling it on the street so he doesn’t have to be “piss poor” as he is now.

He had a car, clothes, good job, (yes he worked and sold) an apartment and money in his pocket as apposed to getting off the crap and now he is in a rented room in a cheap area of the city where he weekly has to go to the city’s general assistance (welfare) to get his room rent paid. His kidneys are full of stones, he is thin and pale from chronic insomnia which in turn causes him to become psychotic after 5-7 days awake.

Yes, 5-7 days awake.

That could be partly being sober and the bigger part is everyone including myself on my side of the family has acute chronic insomnia. My mother has it, my brother had it and it attributed to his death in January 2001 while driving. My doctor describes it as “you know when you leave a room to shut off the light, well your switch is broken therefor your light (being awake) is always stuck on. Luckily I became aware of the problem in my twenties and began a lifetime medication (non addictive) regime of taking a 2nd low dose of an antidepressant to counteract my sleeplessness. If I don’t take the medication, I don’t sleep.

During an evacuation in Florida from hurricane Frances hub and I drove to the west coast of Florida. Once there we realized I had left my sleeping meds behind in the rush. We were stranded on the west coast 7 days straight and I was awake 5 of them. I can tell you and my son knows for a fact when your up 5 days it can make anyone appear psychotic. By the end of that 5th day my hub says I just collapsed in exhaustion and I still only stayed asleep 5 hours. My son has the same affliction.

I am my sons mother and doubling as his support system, motivational speaker and an ear when he needs one. He knows if I even suspect he is taking advantage of me I will cut off the support . Instead of giving him money for all of the things he needs for his new rent we are renting a car July 5th and driving up with everything from socks to instant coffee to a hot plate and whatever else will keep him self sufficient. He had in the last two years over 6 jobs and he was fired from all of them, he has a long history of being fired when he goes from his major high moods back down deep into anger in depression. He has no impulse control  whatsoever and i am hoping we can get that addressed soon because that will get him killed faster then drugs.

He has already been assaulted, in fights and been to jail because he is so out of control during a downward spiral. Luckily in his city the police have a special unit that identifies individuals who may have mental health issues and can deal with them accordingly as apposed to tossing them in jail with the general population. The police are never many people’s favorites but son is damned lucky they know via “me” he has mental health issues and has had it long term.

Son is being treated by two other doctors and working for him is out of the question due to medical problems, his kidneys and spine are in bad shape. He has been working with a social worker out of the YMCA shelter who is in the process of helping him obtain temporary disability, otherwise known as Supplemental Security Income otherwise known as SSI and we are trying to get him through the waiting and having no income coming in as best possible all around the board. It’s been months now and the month of August was mentioned to him as a target. We will see.

My goal isn’t to baby my son nor to take care of him, do not get the two confused. I am just trying to give him the best possible odds of staying alive so he can get well, and he CAN get well. The difficulty is he is a 25 year old man and makes his own decisions even though they can be poor ones.  My fingers are crossed he will give the damned Celexa at least two to three weeks to level out in his body.  Tomorrow he and I will talk some more like we do daily everyday.

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