Archive for the ‘Dyslimbia’ Category

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Son becoming sober has been 10% us as parents and 90% himself working to get and remain there. It’s been over a year or more now and we have watched his life take on a total change of him finally realizing healthier decisions. Eating, who he associates with, how he feels about himself, how he views and interacts with those around him has changed for the positive. Keep in mind there are also health and mental issues at play. For a long time now he and we have been “stuck”in his recovery process. As his mother I cannot solely put into place the strong support system needed to help him learn new coping skills to not fall back into old ones. Though I have reached out continuously to outside sources none have helped I have gotten no answers. In the years of his drug addiction as in most, his extended family members have faded into the darkness that swallowed him whole out of fear and not knowing what to do.

During son’s childhood he and his brother, 2 years older had always had close ties with their father’s family. Both my son’s lived in the same city as adults during the years of son’s active spiral of self destruction but seeing this, family were unwilling to offer help except for his older brother. I believe to this day that the my older son kept his brother from certain death. Since younger son’s journey living home fighting to get his life back he has always pined to have his father and older brother back into his life. He will never tell them, but they are who he loves and respects most and has mourned losing due to his own actions.

Imagine my delight when after many years son picked up his phone just before Easter, calling his “dad” and talking over an hour, answering his father’s questions, telling him how sorry he was for his actions as an active addict yet thanking his father for still being there. Next he phoned his estranged older brother followed in days by taking the train to see him for the first time in 2 years. I heard the visit went well and have noticed rekindling those bonds has changed him profoundly, giving him hope and strength as he moves forward again. I want nothing less than to have both of my sons together in our life, it’s been too long since we have all been family.

After years beginning his journey a new door opened.

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Medical Marijuana.”

For myself the two words bring up an image of the 1970’s I grew up in sitting around smoking a “joint” with friends as a teenager. I never thought I would live to see marijuana used for medication. I never even considered the thought. In my 50’s in my own experience of medical treatment and pain management I would have to weigh the pro’s and con’s to use it or not for anything more than recreation. No, I don’t use it and haven’t in decades. Back when I and friends used “pot” it did two things, made us sleep and eat. In the last couple years of it being medically legalized I have seen Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, or “PTSD” treated with  every drug available. If anything the side effects of the medications were worse than what they were treating, causing son to become so agitated he would need a drug for the drug. Insert here the fact his ailing liver with HepC is filtering all of it when it shouldn’t be anywhere near it.

Son’s underlying mental illness is exacerbated by the severe PTSD he has. In one full blown “flashback” he is a 125 pound 5’8″ yelling  terrified wrecking ball for which only marijuana seems to keep in check.  He’s cooked it, he has smoked it, or vaped the elixir. He can eat, becomes social, sleeps nights, and is as normal as he can be using it 3 times a day. The bigger problem is the fact son won’t drive. Years ago he was hit head on by drunk drivers not once but twice and it changed his life forever.

Four years of son’s recovery. Recovery takes the rest of a life and if son doesn’t take charge of his life and leave our apartment this will be the rest of OUR life.

My health isn’t good. My husband’s been hit for the first time in his life with painful arthritis this winter and we both have been revolving door patients at the local hospital due to lack of healthcare nor can we afford “ObamaCare.” Son thankfully has state medical care but refuses to use it not trusting doctors. I have one more clinic visit at the cost of 185$ plus prescriptions and when those run out I don’t know what we will do. My own mental health is kept in check with medication these last 20+ years and without them is no happy ending.

One bit of good news before my 2am signing off here is I quit smoking nearly one year now. My 67 year old mother was a smoker who contracted Metastasized Breast Cancer in 2000, again in 2012. Her second time around she stayed home refusing any more treatment and took her own life in the end. I’m praying hard as I get older it isn’t genetics.

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Often times those ill in our life directly and indirectly demand so much attention we realize years later and ask ourselves “Why can’t I remember his first baseball game?” Or a daughter’s dance recital? Guilt rushes in as I get older because I have two other grown children I don’t see alot and I’m having trouble remembering icon events in their child lives. My mentally ill adult son as a mentally ill child demanded much of my 14 year single mother time in home and out. My other two unfairly were off to the sideline of forever ongoing crisis that’s their brother.

I miss my other two children alot. The idea as they got older was I returned here from the south to get to know them again. I can’t get their childhood back but I have time now. I thought I did. By nature I’m a solitary person so I have few friends, none close. Even if I did our situation would scare them off.

I’ve tried social media to reach out to people and groups about addiction but discovered over the years you can either contact other’s online or off. Chances are if you talk at length online you won’t hear anything from them offline except “Facebook me.” I gave up on that.

I haven’t seen my oldest son whom I talk to the most on the phone in two years. The last time he came down was Christmas 2012 which ended in screaming & shouting initiated by addict-son. My oldest son had rode the train here and was met by a wall of anger and insults from his brother who in our small apartment had heard conversation between us in an adjoining room about nothing in particular.

My son never came down again he was so angry and shocked by his brother’s attack, as he should be. I have a daughter also we haven’t seen in years who has her own daughter with another on the way. The idea of putting son and what little he has “out on the sidewalk” is easy to say but no doubt will draw attention and more damage from his temper not to mention he will be back where he nearly died with addiction. Help saving son has made us his physical and emotional hostages. This has gone way too far yet we don’t know what to do without retaliation.

FOR YOU LOVE PEACE .......... MAMITA SUFFER PA...

Whoever says the pain of childbirth ends when the child emerges is so wrong.  A mother carries the pain and more to her grave. My son is free of the drugs now but the pain it numbed is as raw and present as the day I pushed him into the world, both the baby and myself screaming in pain. Hence the blog’s title.

Reaction to a comment left months ago, yes I very much do have a life aside from this blog and the description of it’s contents.  If one hasn’t noticed, I prefer to remain unnamed and keep the “other part of me” elswhere.

Sitting here early morning, a door between myself and my sleeping son. A brief interlude of early morning beauty and the twisting pain of a back spasm that woke me.

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Christmas 2012 is days away. Much has changed since the last post. First off, son is alive. Secondly, son is sober and his liver seems to be trying to recover itself. When he was hospitalized the doctor indicated this could happen in a best case scenario. It seems luck is on son’s side. He is still thin & pale. He still goes out rarely. As a matter of fact it’s his mental state that is now the battle in the fore front.

We have relocated. The living space we were in was stressful because it was very small. An opportunity arose for us to move into a larger affordable dwelling and we took it gratefully. The greater problem, nothing to do with son, is income. Shortly after moving my husband’s employer passed out pay cuts at the worst possible time, days before Christmas and at a time our rent payment has increased by one hundred dollars a month.  For the moment the focus is on our living situation with son now somewhat stable medically. Since the last post he has seen more than one doctor but had no luck getting one to prescribe medications without wanting to perform a liver biopsy which son is against.

Christmas was a happy one. Son was sober, his siblings came to visit. Well, one did. After being his caretaker and nearly losing his own mind, oldest son saw his brother sober for the first time in years. Seeing them together brought back a flood of little boy memories. Even back then sick son was “sick.” Already violent, unhappy and noticeably disturbed by age 3.

I enjoyed Christmas with him. He wasn’t yelling, or high, or angry. A first for he and I together. The new year hopefully will bring better moments like this.

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The mountain was moved, not all at once of course, but it moved. It’s been awhile since posting. The gap wasn’t from forgetfulness or neglect. It’s been due to work. Work in every aspect of healing.

Son is sober and has been so for awhile. It’s been nearly one year since he received his prognosis of 15 months to two years. He looks better. His mood is better. He has gained 30 pounds since last Christmas when we brought him home from the hospital.

Recent tests show his liver levels are better but it changes on a dime as his body is still healing and trying to recover from 8 years of neglect and drug abuse. Just two Ibuprofen for a headache throws him into fits of nausea, vomiting and liver pain. His Hep C is active.

Have you ever seen a former smoker who is obnoxiously preaching the ills of smoking after quitting? My son does the same regarding drug addiction on and offline, but I smile. The important thing is he’s quit. Anything after is a blessing.

He is still far from being better physically. Baby steps the doctor calls it. Son’s days are rest, eat and more rest. The holidays for us all are a bit happier this season. He will see his younger sister for the first time in three years on Thanksgiving, lord knows when anyone ever saw him sober.

They are about to meet a very different son.

It’s an uphill battle. Not long after my last post my med’s went missing again. Son’s doctor isn’t helping by prescribing small amounts of Oxy’s for Kidney stone pain. The 1st scrip was 30 5m pills and son used them in 2 days. Days later the doc gave him 40 more of the same strength which were also gone in 2 days. When he is out of drugs he also gets crazy irrational and won’t take his mental health med’s so we all suffer his fury.

As of this morning I am stumped what to do but secretly I am glad he has nothing left to abuse his body with. Today marks day 3 of not having to run to the local emergency room for either his swollen liver or more medication. The drug addict son has been screaming he wants to go back where he came from which of course was a horrible place yet easy access to drugs. His liver levels are still elevated but better the doc told us. His next visit to the doc will not be until February, not knowing the area or anyone down here I am sure he will do and say anything to get BACK to where he came which is out of state, but I can be just as nasty ass as he can in return and once again he is now taking a med to suffer less in cravings.

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