Archive for April, 2014

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Son becoming sober has been 10% us as parents and 90% himself working to get and remain there. It’s been over a year or more now and we have watched his life take on a total change of him finally realizing healthier decisions. Eating, who he associates with, how he feels about himself, how he views and interacts with those around him has changed for the positive. Keep in mind there are also health and mental issues at play. For a long time now he and we have been “stuck”in his recovery process. As his mother I cannot solely put into place the strong support system needed to help him learn new coping skills to not fall back into old ones. Though I have reached out continuously to outside sources none have helped I have gotten no answers. In the years of his drug addiction as in most, his extended family members have faded into the darkness that swallowed him whole out of fear and not knowing what to do.

During son’s childhood he and his brother, 2 years older had always had close ties with their father’s family. Both my son’s lived in the same city as adults during the years of son’s active spiral of self destruction but seeing this, family were unwilling to offer help except for his older brother. I believe to this day that the my older son kept his brother from certain death. Since younger son’s journey living home fighting to get his life back he has always pined to have his father and older brother back into his life. He will never tell them, but they are who he loves and respects most and has mourned losing due to his own actions.

Imagine my delight when after many years son picked up his phone just before Easter, calling his “dad” and talking over an hour, answering his father’s questions, telling him how sorry he was for his actions as an active addict yet thanking his father for still being there. Next he phoned his estranged older brother followed in days by taking the train to see him for the first time in 2 years. I heard the visit went well and have noticed rekindling those bonds has changed him profoundly, giving him hope and strength as he moves forward again. I want nothing less than to have both of my sons together in our life, it’s been too long since we have all been family.

After years beginning his journey a new door opened.

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It’s an english tea cup from a set we purchased in our travels years prior. Not replaceable yes. It’s an inanimate object not worth raising blood pressure over yet Mount St. Mom is about to go off with 30 years of compressed anger. I’m human and dangerously at my breaking point. I have gotten through my life with the wonderful gift of finding the humor in situations most cannot and will continue.

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Angry.

Apathetic.

Angry.

A little thankfulness goes a long ways. One thing I did not count on helping with son’s recovery are the 29 year old temper tantrums that leave my hands shaking and my husband’s fists clenched and battling his high blood pressure. We are in a corner with no way to get son out on his own. He screams at us this morning just five minutes out of our bed in a “BOOMING” man voice the hurtful words, calling his stepfather and I unimaginable names. In his frustration he yells that he can’t go out to get a job without my taking him to get paperwork he has lost long ago, a social security card, and his license will run out in two months.  This is a recovering drug addict who has refused to leave “his room” more than 20 minutes daily for years, refusing medical or other treatment. Accepting no responsibility.

We are holding him hostage in our small town with him having no car, no money, and no way out. – His words. At some point one needs to learn new coping skills to replace the ones that are now absent. If you have a life threatening condition like “Hep C” you must seek treatment. It’s impossible to force a fully grown man to do so.

Actually it’s the other way around, he is holding us hostage berating us daily. The wheel goes round and round and though we try daily to get him to participate it’s very hard to ignore his tantrums. With my health in steady decline  I have taken up walking and eating better but mentally I’m tired and want mine and my husband’s lives and home back. I raised three children who do nothing but bring me down and think the world revolves around them and appreciate nothing. It’s time for my son to leave and finish this on his own and me get on with my life ambitions before I’m too ill and too old.

I love my kids, I always will but I’m all done with motherhood as of today. I deserve my own life and have done all I can,

your welcome! Bah!