Lost Children

Posted: 22/02/2014 in Dyslimbia
Tags: , , , , , ,


Often times those ill in our life directly and indirectly demand so much attention we realize years later and ask ourselves “Why can’t I remember his first baseball game?” Or a daughter’s dance recital? Guilt rushes in as I get older because I have two other grown children I don’t see alot and I’m having trouble remembering icon events in their child lives. My mentally ill adult son as a mentally ill child demanded much of my 14 year single mother time in home and out. My other two unfairly were off to the sideline of forever ongoing crisis that’s their brother.

I miss my other two children alot. The idea as they got older was I returned here from the south to get to know them again. I can’t get their childhood back but I have time now. I thought I did. By nature I’m a solitary person so I have few friends, none close. Even if I did our situation would scare them off.

I’ve tried social media to reach out to people and groups about addiction but discovered over the years you can either contact other’s online or off. Chances are if you talk at length online you won’t hear anything from them offline except “Facebook me.” I gave up on that.

I haven’t seen my oldest son whom I talk to the most on the phone in two years. The last time he came down was Christmas 2012 which ended in screaming & shouting initiated by addict-son. My oldest son had rode the train here and was met by a wall of anger and insults from his brother who in our small apartment had heard conversation between us in an adjoining room about nothing in particular.

My son never came down again he was so angry and shocked by his brother’s attack, as he should be. I have a daughter also we haven’t seen in years who has her own daughter with another on the way. The idea of putting son and what little he has “out on the sidewalk” is easy to say but no doubt will draw attention and more damage from his temper not to mention he will be back where he nearly died with addiction. Help saving son has made us his physical and emotional hostages. This has gone way too far yet we don’t know what to do without retaliation.

  1. songtothesirens says:

    First of all. thank you for following my blog: A Bipolar Journey….

    Substance abuse and addiction is tricky. Especially when you throw PTSD into the mix. From what I have heard, medically used marijuana can help immensely. My own therapist and psychiatrist have commented on it to help me control the anxiety I feel on a constant basis as well as the auditory (and sometimes visual) hallucinations I have. I do know that at one point while living with a grower, and had access 24/7 to marijuana, I definitely had a much lower anxiety level. I didn’t smoke constantly; only when I was feeling jumpy.

    Everything I know and have experienced about addiction says the addict has to be motivated to change. I have been addicted to morphine which is really just more refined, pure heroin. I know what “dope-sick” means. It took me losing my job, getting evicted, and going to jail all in the same two week period for me to reassess my life and how I was living and quit using drugs. Little did I know that I was physically addicted to benzodiazepines.

    About a week after quitting everything cold turkey, I was in the ER having faceless people telling me they were going to put some Valium in my IV, and agreeing. My last thought was “When did i get an IV? (this will be covered in more depth in my current series of “memoirs”). I went to sleep, and woke up craving a cigarette, and some very kind nurse found me a blanket and wheeled me and my IV out to the Ambulance bay to smoke. It was 7 in the morning in early January. I didn’t feel right, and it was freezing. But, it was the best cigarette I had ever smoked because, at 19, i had looked death in the face, and said, No! I voluntarily checked myself into a rehab center. Something about almost dying makes your world crystal clear.

    I hate to say this, but he needs to hit rock bottom. I mean the kind of bottom where the pavement comes up and smacks you in the face, and you are left with scratches and bruises, and look like life beat you up. He may need to go through this a few times.

    And, while it does seem cruel, asking him to leave is your right. My own mother takes frequent, fairly long breaks from me after she has spent too much time with me. She is on one of her “breaks” from me and my mental situation right now. At first, i blamed her. Then as things gradually came into focus, I realized that if I didn’t want to be with me, who else would. Gradually the anger subsided, and understanding took its place. I honestly believe I would not be functioning had she continued to be there for me no matter what. She forced me to become independent of her. I know it was very difficult for her. i am her first child, and in some ways, her favorite, and in others, her living nightmare. But, the one thing she has consistently been is my mom. She may not always help me out or do what I want, but she has still helped me when it was obvious that my mental state was suffering.

    Your son may need the same kind of “kick in the head” to open his eyes. He definitely needs to use his state insurance to get himself into a rehab, and some very intensive counseling for PTSD, and whatever else he may suffer from. You could make his going to rehab, and getting help for his mental illness a condition for continuing to live with you. I know from experience that the last thing he really wants to be is a junkie. I didn’t want to be a junkie, and was quite surprised when that is exactly where I found myself. You two might have a discussion of the benefits of using marijuana medicinally. I do not know if your state is a medical marijuana state of not. However, if he can eat, socialize, be released from the gripping anxiety that is PTSD, and sleep soundly, I think it is something you maybe should look into.

    I kind of answered two posts in one Sorry about that……I have lived your son’s life. I am so glad that I made the decision to change it. I wasn’t even diagnosed when I went to rehab. i just knew I would die if I didn’t. Your son is in the drips of one of the worst drugs in the world. Being “dope-sick” is so powerful that it literally drives the addiction. It makes it “necessary” to get more. However, in rehab they would use a combination of medications to ween him off the drugs he is using, and would then ween him off of those. He would be comfortable. No heroin addict I have ever known wanted to be a heroin addict.

    All I know is that looking at death squarely in the eye a couple of times has made me respect not only street drugs, but my own meds for Bipolar, PTSD and ADD. Becoming Buddhist has taught me how to respect my own life as valuable.

    I do not know any way that any addict I have ever known has managed to change their life except by hitting the ground so hard that it leaves marks. Perhaps, the most loving thing a parent can do is let their child free, and tell them that unless they meet certain conditions, they can no longer stay there. It is a very hard thing for a parent to do. I watched my mom wrestle with it, but in the long run, I changed. Maybe that would work on your son.

    I am sending good thoughts your way, and hoping that I may have helped explain your son’s situation a bit. Self-medication is something I have already blogged about, but it became so prevalent in my life as a teen that it will be included in my “memoir.”

    • Mom says:

      I know exactly where you are mental-wise yes, thanks so very much for your input and sharing yourself! I myself was in “that place” once in my life too. big HUG, I want to also thank you for sharing yourself in your blog.

      • songtothesirens says:

        Yeah, this latest “opus” of mine is taking me to some places that I had forgotten.

        But, one of the ways that I maintain control over both my drinking (maybe once a month) and my drug use (very infrequent) is that I do not glamorize it. I remember the worst times as opposed to the wonderful parties I went to. Bur, as time went by, it got less and less fun, and more scary. I choose to remember the scary times, the bad decisions made, etc. Keeps me sober…..

        Big Hugs back! It sounds like you have your hands full! I want to thank you for having the courage to video your son’s withdrawal sickness. That took guts to record and even more so, to post. Although, I think if more people saw that side of addiction, there might not be so many addicts. Perhaps. But, yeah, that took some backbone 🙂

  2. secretangel says:

    I am sorry for all that you are going through and will be praying for your family.

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