Archive for December, 2010

Tonight I discovered my son has been shooting up prescribed medication for myself in our bathroom, cooker, syringes, I found all of it. After a sleepless night of going through many emotions and my house I got angry and fed up.

Edit, The next morning :

This morning he discovered his supplies gone along with any medication kept in my house gone, I moved anything I had for myself out of the house. I told him flatly this morning with no emotion I will take him back to the homeless shelter in the city he is from to die alone because I will be done with it all or he can stay and get help. I will not have my home and marriage ripped apart anymore. I told my husband, his stepfather the same to which he agreed. Does my husband know about him being caught here shooting?, no. It isn’t right to not divulge that to him I agree but I have to do it this way for now.  My plan and son’s was to only give him enough oral medication to keep him from becoming dope sick and against all odds wean him down off the Oxy’s while obtaining medical help for his other problems. Chances are it won’t work, maybe it’s stupid, I just don’t care what anyone thinks and if it doesn’t work so be it I will lose my son completely in all sense of the word. I am resigned now to this fact. With no money to keep him in a detox or a program anywhere there are no other choices for help for him.

I have done my homework, I have lived it myself and this is his last chance to live or die.

– Posted using BlogPress for iPhone


3 days ago I rented a car and made the drive out of state to retrieve my son and brought him home. I have no expectations and though advice given to us said to leave him to his own devices, my maternal instinct overtook my reason. I couldn’t leave him to die so ill. The scene I arrived on was absolute squalor, darkness and amongst the trash and garbage piled high wall to wall in the rented room was a shadow of an unshaved, unkept 25 year old man child. Fighting back tears I remained tight lipped and matter of fact and collected my son and very few of his left possessions. The building wreaked of sweat, human sewerage, rotted garbage and everywhere there was old drug paraphernalia in and outside son’s room. Packing his belongings to leave was fast and efficient, within 2 hours with his help the rental car was loaded up and with a few interruptions from the derelict inhabitants yelling at me  we left for good. In my head we were racing away from son’s previous 9 years of hell to mine & husbands home out of state and into the unknown. No it wasn’t the best answer and my husband, his step dad and I have spent the last week arguing about my having son home. The last time he lived with us he was 18,  when he had in a drug withdrawal rage welded a baseball bat in the air at his stepfather which landed son, rightly so, in jail for 30 days. I put him there.

Prior to now I made some phone calls to find what help and support son could get just over the border where his state medical care would be paid. Here I found a detox facility that only offered a 5 day in house program with aftercare support, in the same hospital is a medical clinic and mental health, both very limited. All of these are pretty much useless because of the short length of services. I asked why such short time spans and was answered with the explanation that it was state and federal government budget cuts. If we want any treatment elsewhere in my home state I need to apply son for medicaid right away and wait weeks for his approval letter. The difficult part once approved is a large majority of providers will not accept individuals with such insurance. I spoke with son’s former doctor who had treated him before kicking him aside when the state stopped payments to clarify his medical condition. I was told son is suffering from Severe Hepatitis, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and also Epstein-Barr virus. Not adding his severe mental health issues, I feel overwhelmed.

He has been awake 2 hours, had too much of his Oxycodone and is asking to go to the hospital E.R., a favorite fast fix for him to get valium when he runs out of what his doctor gives him. My medications are all hidden and I am still calling rehabs to try to find inpatient help to no avail. I even wrote twice the last 12 months to “Intervention.”

For a moment he is safe, Merry Christmas.


– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Smoke Crack & Go to Church
Image by nicholasforneris via Flickr

He wants to do the right thing, quit drugs at age 25 and live his life. Using and selling he always had money, a car, “friends” and a job also. In the last year he has been working on “going straight” he has lost his job, been plagued with a slew of health problems including the sickness a user’s body must go through while cleansing itself and craving at the same time. The people who surrounded him, also heavy users beat, berate, rob and tempt him back into an unhealthy user life. He has been stabbed and had countless run ins with the local law enforcement because he has no money or work so is forced to live in a rooming house brimming with all deviants in the city. Worst is neither he nor I can find him outside support, medical or mental that will help him. Due to the scars of drug use he is turned away or tossed out when they are discovered. In America if you have NO health insurance you get sick and die.

His spirit is close to being broken.  Family want nothing to do with him. The antidepressants he once took he has stopped taking. He resides in his small 1 room in the dark with a television and no friends, no hope, no food or money and in pain. He recently yelled at me over the phone in despair, “this is fucked up mom, I’m better off selling drugs than living like this, nobody will help me!”  I in another state ask him to move home to our tiny 1 bedroom apartment but he resists because he is afraid he will lose all chances of getting as far as he has in applying for temporary disability. He desperately wants to help himself. He is 25 years old, talented at writing poetry and art. He wants to get his GED and go to college. He wants to be happy.

I’m terrified he will be murdered before his liver gives out on him.