Archive for July, 2010

Fargo, ND, March 27, 2009 -- The Salvation Arm...

Staying sober is not just in the mind. There are those of you that think so and it is incorrect.  My son is still sober and taking his medication. Each day is not always a good one but with the added oomph from his Celexa he has more ability to cope and think before reacting. I was telling my sister over the phone how profound son’s change has been and she too was taken back. Son still has a very long life ahead being he is just 25.  His illness and a bad divorce from his father took his childhood away at a very young age. By age 10 he was essentially a grownup, or thought he was and a darned angry one.

You see, most in the family, school and anyone else involved blamed the breakdown of mine and his dad’s marriage and resulting emotional fallout. Divorce is never pretty agreed upon or not and nearly always the children no matter how young or old often blame themselves.  My son was only 8 and most certainly a daddy’s boy back then. The breakup exacerbated his symptoms.

Because he has been stuck in one place all of his years and been mentally ill he was still living and feeling as if he was in the moment of the divorce. Abandonment, anger, fear, it’s all been front and center the past 25 years for him.  My not coping back then with the situation overtook me for some time and I would often need a doctor’s care to get through days, that also pulled myself away from son so he was bounced back and forth between his new step family and home with mom and siblings. That is too much for a little boy to carry around inside.

We have been talking daily now, trying to work out finances to help him through his waiting period for a disability (or SSI) hearing with his attorney, his medications refilled and paid for, clean clothes, food and keeping him self sufficient so he can feel more in control which helps his self esteem grow.  He also now needs needs attention given to his A.D.D, his thoughts are all over the board and it bothers him because he often loses important items and is forgetting a great deal.  Because he is poverty line income he is forced to use the city free clinical system which on a good day is a broken one.  He has only been able to see his “psyc worker” once in three weeks to a month. The system is so overtaxed often he must wait a month or the weather will be so bad he cannot physically walk the 8 blocks with his medical problems.

Between he and I and his brother, that’s the jest of support outside of the clinic. I’m still trying to get him a case worker through a local nonprofit there. The best thing that has happened is he hasn’t given up, he has hope AND is still sober (knock wood).

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Фотография радующегося мальчика
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I got to see my son for the first time in a very long time. We spent much needed time together. I had never seen his arms before now as back we last meant it was winter and he always had long sleeves. When I drove up he was smiling, standing in the lot adjacent to the rooming house he rents in. He had no fresh needle marks that I could see, his doctor has him drug tested so just maybe this is for real I hope. He had scars though, his arms, his neck and legs. I call them battle scars.   We held his hands like when he was little, quickly scanning over his body as mother’s do to be sure all looked okay.

Prior to this moment we have been conversing only on the phone this last year, it’s been much to long being apart. We hugged each other the hug of mother and child reunited.” My son is alive” I heard myself think silently, and I am so grateful. Before today I had always lived in fear of him not hurting me, but just afraid of the deep depression and anger he has carried around since being a toddler, teenager and then adult.

His illness has landed him in jail, in hospitals, crisis shelters and homeless. He has been assaulted, drugged and robbed and tried to commit suicide on 4 occasions.  It’s cost him every single job, his relatives and friends have left him. There is just his brother and myself. If only as a child his father would have allowed him to stay on his medication, if only he had agreed to take it as a teenager…

As a teenager it became much worse and he was thrown out of school. He was always in physical confrontations, his voice booming in anger was a constant at home and when he became bigger than me occasionally he would physically attack me in the heat of the moment, once or twice resulting in my falling over. Life with son growing up was horrible and unpredictable and destructive no matter who came to help or by placing him in a facility for help. Here I stood holding my son already seeing the 100% difference in his manner, thinking and moods all from one antidepressant medication and I am so happy for him. He is back to the land of the living, now we can get to finally know each other. Everyday I call him and remind him to take his medication, so far he has stayed on it and has no plans on stopping. We actually talk now and laugh. There is no yelling!

We spent that special day catching up with each other, sharing life experiences while apart, laughing together and hugging some more.  We went and got something to eat and the end of the day I didn’t want to leave and drive the hour or so away again. I’d have given anything to bring him back with me but his life is where he is, it’s not much but his room is his and I respect that. I brought him things for his room, food and cooking utensils to help make him more self sufficient. He was grateful and enjoyed showing me his small space.

Oh if I could just grab him, throw him in my car and bring him home. In so many ways he is still a boy who has missed much by being alseep for years in pain and drugs. In many ways he is an old man who has been through much too much for a 25 year old man. I pray daily he can keep the life he has given back to himself by finally taking his antidepressant.

My son smiled, laughed, talked and people no longer stare at him for his hateful outbursts. Now they are drawn to him because he says “hello” to them and “how are you man?, nice day isn’t it?”  His new energy is profound.

This is my son, and he is alive today!

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It’s eye watering seeing my son emerging more daily from the darkness. The 4th of July he was literally running in the street that had been closed for the firework crowds.

Running and laughing, enjoying who he was, who was around him and the sparkle in his 25 year old eyes made mine water with joy for him.  Please God, let this part of his life last. He is still taking his antidepressant and it’s as if he is a whole new being and experiencing “good” for the very first time in his life since he was a very young boy.

He has been in torment so long I can’t recall the last age he was that he felt happy, let alone laughed like he is now. I phoned him just before we went to bed a night ago and asked what he was doing, he answered; “playing my guitar Ma, I feel great.”  I told him I was proud of him, I said “son, if you start to feel the familiar darkness creeping back into your day remember these days gone by and how good you feel and how much people in your life are enjoying being with you. THIS is the way your supposed to feel!” He says he sees now how important it is for him to keep on his new med’ regime and I hope he means it.

I won’t take this time for granted but I will enjoy our conversations on the phone. He has been asking me so much and re-remembering parts of his life with me before now. It’s as if he wants to know everything all over again now that he is rational. Hard to believe this was a man who was angrily stomping down the main street of the city he lives in and lashing out at anyone within  verbal reach. People and Police who know him are perplexed, his older brother and friends cannot believe he is the same person. I can’t wait to see he and his brother.

The sun is still shining.

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39.365 #106 in explore !   fact:

This is a post I found from a fellow Blogger on WordPress in my never ending search for more input and treatments of depression. It can’t hurt to read it, right?

Natural Treatment For Depression – It Is Possible! by: Dr. Isaac Schumann Depression is one of the most common psychological and emotional problems American adults encounter. A study reports that about 13 to 20 percent of American adults have some form of depressive symptoms. Unfortunately, many severe cases of depression can ultimately lead to suicide. Are there any solutions and treatments available to stem this unfortunate tide? Fortunately, the answer to this is yes. Unfortunately again, many … Read More


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Yesterday was son’s second day of his Celexa and he phoned me later in the day to exclaim what a wonderful day he had experienced. His brother and myself are the only family members who stay in touch with him, we are his support system of sorts. It brought tears to my eyes to hear him gleefully tell me about a scooter ride he and his older brother had taken in the city together. The two live in the same 4 block area but rarely have been able to just be brothers and goof off. My older son was pleased to see his brother happy, explaining that he talked too much!

The milestone was not just the moments he experienced true happiness but also telling his back doctor on this day he needed no pain medication which raised the doctors eyebrows. I hope he isn’t jumping too fast with his medical. Son was afraid of relapsing if he had the Oxy’s  in his apartment.

Today I haven’t yet reached him, I know he had a meeting this morning regarding his applying for temporary disability benefits until he can be stabilized. I have been phoning him and he me a few calls per day. I am hoping for today to be his 3rd day feeling good and taking his medication whereas he did lower his dose slightly because he said it made him feel “jittery,” .. this mother has her fingers crossed until I hear from him.

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